Joan Ascends

Chapter 2: Lucky Me

I race deeper and deeper into the maze of the Lab, not stopping, even when my breathing grows ragged. No matter how hard I push, the images won't stop flashing behind my eyes.

Nic, hanging from the Space Needle.

The red stain on the pavement after I killed Officer Boer.

Elizabeth and Sacajawea bodies falling into puddles of their own blood.

The lawn in front of the Capitol Building, covered in still bodies.

I'm forced to stop running when I retch, either from the exercise, the memories, or both. I've spent weeks trying to shove these ugly feelings down deep inside of me, distracting myself with work until I collapse with exhaustion. Some part of me knows it's a losing battle, but I can't face all that guilt and pain today.

I do one of the only things that can stop my racing thoughts. I rub the back of my skull as hard as I can, right over the spot where Strand's chip is embedded. The numbing gel wears off, and the pain that follows is welcome.

Justus would kill me if he knew I was exposing myself to the risk of Strand sending more than just a headache right now, but there is something pure in the intense headache that knifes through me. Physical pain is simple, both a distraction from what I'm feeling and a punishment for what I've done, all at once.

My eyes water, and my thoughts go fuzzy around the edges, distancing me even further from the memories that had been torturing me. Is this the kind of relief Nic was looking for every time he took a hit of Amp?

My muddled thoughts are interrupted by my phone pinging in my pocket. I pull it out and see a message from Harriet.

Where the hell are you? Something's come up and we need to talk.

I'm somewhere in this maze of tunnels. Not sure where.

Send me a picture. I'm coming for you.

I glance around the non-descript part of the Lab where I've found myself, sure that nothing here will give Harriet any clues as to where I am. But I obediently send her a couple of images.

Her reply is immediate. Got it. I'll be there in 20 minutes.

I reach in my left pocket and pull out the clear concoction Marie made to block Strand's signals to our chips. The minute the gel touches the skin covering the chip, my headache winks out of existence. But the aftermath of the pain leaves behind a welcome numbness and an un-Joanlike lack of curiosity over why Harriet needs to talk to me so urgently.

I'm almost dozing when Harriet reaches me. Without a word, she sits next to me and pulls my head so it rests on her shoulder.

"I get where Sun's coming from about this reality vid idea, but I can't be anyone's hero, Harriet. It's too big of a lie."

Harriet sighs, long and low. "That's how we all feel."

That jerks my sluggish mind awake. "That's ridiculous. The rest of you actually are heroes. I'm the one who keeps fucking up."

"You're making the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. We all are. But you don't have to be a part of this reality vid idea of Sun's if you don't want to. God knows there's enough work to do around the city and in the clinic."

"Thanks. Ask me to do anything else—any other risk. I'll do it."

"No doubt about that. The deadlier the task, the better, I bet," Harriet says, rubbing at her temples like she's fighting a headache of her own. "But that's not the reason I came to find you. We got a message after you left."