Joan Ascends

Chapter 32: It wasn't for nothing

Back at the Chrysalis, everything is abuzz with excitement. People are bustling around with purpose, but for once I'm not curious enough to care what they are doing, or why it seems as if hope is in the air.

Justus insists on having Flo examine me to make sure that the torture and malnourishment from my time at Strand didn't do any permanent damage. She confirms that physically I'm okay, and that my H2IV is dormant.

"Be careful what contact you have with her," Flo says to Justus. "You don't want to re-activate the virus in her system again."

She's telling us that we're back to where we were before the H2IV was active in my system. No kissing...or much of anything else. Some part of my brain knows this should devastate me, but it's hard to register anything other than a tidal wave of grief and guilt that overwhelms me.

Justus's hand squeezes mine, but I barely feel it. He takes me to an old conference room with a mattress on the floor.

"We need to talk," Justus says as I bury my head in a pillow that smells like him.

I'm too tired to move, much less unpack the pain that is consuming every corner of my mind. Justus pulls off my shoes, and I roll onto my side, letting a fog of exhaustion sedate me.

"Later..." I murmur.

Justus curls his body around mine, and for a moment I let myself feel his warmth and love. Then I remember that I don't deserve it.

"Leave me alone, Justus."

"That's not what you need right now."

If he stays, or says one more tender word, everything in me is going to go to pieces. "LEAVE! I don't want you here."

Justus tenses, and pulls away. He says something before he closes the door behind him, but I can't hear him from where I'm buried under the blankets.

For a long time, I don't come out of my nest other than to use the bathroom across the hall. People visit, but I refuse to open my eyes or acknowledge their presence.

Mom and Dad cry. Sun tries to update me on the reality show. Marie urges me to look through the research she's collected from Dr. Rodriguez's computer. Lozen yells at me and even goes so far to kick me in the ribs. Harriet holds my hand. And always, in the background, Justus hovers. He's given up trying to talk to me, but he forces me to eat and drink.

One morning I wake to the sound of my door opening. Someone sits next to me on my mattress, but I don't bother to look and see who it is.

"You lied," Mav says, his voice more sad than angry.

His words are the first ones that have really penetrated my fog since I left Strand.

"You said you'd come back to me, but you didn't. Not really."

The lethargy that has kept me from rejoining the world and facing my pain tugs at me. I want to slip back into the relief of nothingness. But whatever remaining shred of Joan that I have left knows that it's important not to ignore Mav like I have everyone else.

I roll over and crack my eyes open enough to see the boy sitting beside me. His eyes are exactly as I remember—too old in his young face.

"I remember when I lost mom. Dad had her locked away, but he told me she left us because I had been such a terrible son. I believed him. It hurt me, but on the inside. So much that I thought I would die. I didn't want to leave my room, either. Is that how you feel since you lost Addie?"

I give him a tiny nod. My eyes prickle and the feelings living underneath the blanket of exhaustion start to rise. I want to push them away, and push this boy out of my room, but I don't.