Joan Ascends

Chapter 33: I don't want to be without you

My friends know me well enough not to single me out with attention or questions when I start making regular appearances outside of my room. Instead, they fold me into the work that is happening, and I let their collective sense of purpose fill my thoughts so that I don't fall back into a depression.

I'm most interested in the work Marie is leading with the serum to put H2IV back into its dormant state, but it isn't my area of expertise, and Hautey has assembled a team with medical and research experience to assist her.

Unfortunately, where I'm needed most is the place I least want to be—helping Sun and Wilde edit the final episodes of the reality series. It means re-watching the footage from my torture, and glimpses of Addie's dear face. Only the knowledge that everyone around me is pulling together to make something from all of our collective tragedies keeps me going.

It's late into the night when Justus pulls me away from the tablet that Sun and I are huddled over.

"You both need rest. Your work will be better for it," Justus insists.

Sun nods, and the dark circles under his eyes are impossible to miss. "You are right, of course. Sometimes it seems every moment we don't expose Strand is another day for them to plan how to counter us. But sloppy work could destroy everything we are trying to achieve."

"Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt," Justus says, quoting the author of The Art of War, the original of Sun's clone type.

Sun gives Justus a wry grin. "Some might argue that's my line."

"Nah, you don't need quotes. Your ideas stand on their own," I say.

Sun gives me a true smile, all the more precious because they are rare. "Thank you, Joan."

I give him a nod and let Justus pull me away. It takes me a minute to notice that we're not going to our usual room to sleep. Instead, he takes me up the stairs, floor by floor.

"Where are we going? Not back on the top floor, right?"

Justus shakes his head. "Roof. It's kind of your thing, isn't it?"

I surprise myself by smiling. "Now that you mention it..."

We open the door that leads to the roof, and are hit by a cool breeze. As I look around, I remember that this isn't the first time I've been here.

"This is the spot where Crew first recruited me to join his rebellion. He called it civil rights activism. That's probably how lots of terrorists think of themselves."

Justus's eyes connect with mine. "But now the work going on in this building really is activism."

Though I don't say it out loud, I remember that this was also where I first met Nic. I hit him with my metal thermos, thinking he might attack me. We hated each other at first sight. He's another scar on my heart that won't ever go away.

"Why did you bring me up here?"

"I have to tell you something, and I didn't want anyone else to overhear. Also, at least up here we can see the stars."

I look up, and he's right. Even with the light pollution from the city, the stars seem closer than they are from the ground. My mind races through the possibilities of what Justus might be about to tell me, and I know in an instant that he's about to break up with me. We were always an impossibility, even if we pretended for a while that we were a real couple when I had H2IV.

"Before you say...whatever you need to say, can we just be together for a minute?"

Justus's brow furrows, but he nods, like I knew he would. I lean my head against his shoulder and stare at the stars, breathing in his scent one last time, trying to really lock it in my memory so I'll always have it. Justus's arm circles my waist, and he kisses the top of my head.