Pitch My Heart

10th-Apology

"I thought it was for the best."

"Why?" She asks so I explain to her my thinking.

I explain how I wanted to focus on my career. I share my fear of being broken hearted and being unable to focus on improving my skill. I share that statistically high school relationships don't last long. I also didn't want to have a distraction. If we were together then my focus would be split between being a gilfriend to her and becoming a good pitcher.

I try my best to explain to her that it was a decision that was necessary and hopefully she'll understand so we can move on from the awkwardness.

"Answer me this and don't say that you won't. You owe me" she says and I just nod.

"How long have you and your girlfriend been together?" Her question surprises me.

"Since college" I answer.

The look in her eyes changes. Suddenly, I can see that I hurt her again.

"So, being with me would have held you back and I would have been just a distraction but having a girlfriend before you even made it to the major leagues didn't distract you?" She questions and I guess my reasonings weren't that great.

"She understood that baseball would come first" I say.

"And I didn't?" She drops her utensils on the table.

"I did nothing but support you, Yeji" She's angry.

"We agreed that we would break up before college, Ryujin" I remind her.

"Yes, we agreed on that" she emphasizes on the word 'we.'

"But there was no we to you just leaving without saying anything to me" She's trying not to raise her voice.

"How could you do that to me? And now you're even saying and acting like our relationship didn't mean much to you. How can you say that I wasn't even worth remembering when we spent almost everyday together back then?" Her eyes becomes watery and so are mine.

I want to leave right now but my body won't allow me. I don't want to have this conversation with her. I don't want to talk about our past. I don't want to talk about us. I hate how I feel whenever I think about us and what happened. 

"Do you even feel bad at all for what you did? I loved you with all of my heart. I gave my all to you" She continues to speak. 

"Of course I do. Leaving you was the hardest thing I had to do but I don't regret it. It brought me to where I am now" I say. 

"But I don't understand why you couldn't face me and end it. Do you know how it felt to wake up one day and the person you loved the most was gone? To this day, I can't get myself to love someone else because I'm scared that they'll leave without saying a word like you did. I'm scared I'll wake up having no one again."

"I called you multiple times. I called your parents and none of you answered my calls. I went to your house and they wouldn't speak to me. It didn't take long for me to find what college you were in. I wanted to confront you but when I saw that you were doing well I decided to leave you alone. That's how much I loved you, Yeji. I was willing to follow you anywhere in the world. I was willing to do everything so you could achieve all your dreams" she pauses. 

She looks down and she exhales loudly, "I know we made that agreement but I thought you would change your mind after being together for a few years. I thought maybe you'll find space for me in your heart after high school. I thought that by helping you practice everyday then you would see that I wouldn't be a distraction to you but more of a support. But all of those thoughts were wrong and that was my fault for thinking that way."