Pitch My Heart

11th-Flight Home

I wake up feeling like shit. I cried myself to sleep last night and for a while, I even forgot the reason why.

We have another game today then we're heading back home. We have one day of rest tomorrow then we have our next home game.

I'm thinking about calling my mom and telling her to go see Ryujin at the game. It might be late but maybe if Ryujin knew that I made my parents stop talking to her then it will make her feel better.

My phone suddenly rings so I sit up to answer it.

"Hello?" I say without knowing who called.

"Hey babe. You didn't call me last night" Minnie is speaking in a cute way and I can picture her pouting. 

"I'm sorry. I just had a rough night" I sigh.

"What happened?" She curiously ask.

I contemplate whether to share my eventful night with Ryujin or not.

"Minnie, are you happy with me?" I ask remembering what Ryujin said about my relationship.

"What are you talking about?" She questions.

"Are you happy to be in a relationship with me? Do you regret falling for me when we were in college?" I make my question clearer.

"Of course I'm happy. What kind of a question is that? Would I be with you if I wasn't?" She sounds confused and I don't blame her.

"Do you think baseball is more important to me than you?" I continue with my questions.

"I don't mind that it is" she answers and I feel even worse now.

"But it's not" I say.

"Anymore" I add.

"In college, it was my number one but now it's you" I continue to speak.

"Do you still think that baseball is more important than you right now?" I slowly ask.

"Yeji, why are you asking this? I knew from the start how much this sport meant to you and I don't mind it" now I wonder maybe Ryujin was right.

Maybe my relationship with Minnie isn't as great as I thought. This feeling of selfishness is making me dislike myself. 

But this horrible realization and my negative feelings towards myself is not because of Minnie. Yes, I feel bad that she feels that she comes second to baseball but Ryujin keeps crossing my mind.

I can see why she would feel betrayed when she found out that Minnie and I started dating in college. I did say relationships would just be a distraction. I was a hypocrite. Maybe Ryujin and I could have worked out if I didn't leave her the way I did.

She wasn't a distraction to me in high school. If anything, she became a part of my success. However, the fear of us not working out really scared me. 

Maybe it wasn't the distraction I was worried about. I was scared if my heart could handle it if she was the one to break off our relationship. I was afraid she would get tired of me and leave so I left first. 

I knew deep down that I wasn't a good girlfriend to her. It would only be a matter of time before she realizes that and I didn't want it to be at a time when it mattered the most.

Ever since last night, I suddenly find myself comparing Minnie to Ryujin. When Ryujin supported me, she went all in. Minnie just made sure that she didn't get in my way. I do miss talking to Ryujin about gameplay. I miss having someone that understood my passion for the sport. 

Once I realize that I've been thinking about Ryujin again, I quickly straighten myself and focus back on my conversation with Minnie. 

"Why did you want to be with me or why did you even stay after finding out how obsessed I was with baseball?" I ask.