I Don't Belong Here~Kaz Brekker x Reader~

Chapter 15: Beginning Training and Revealing Words

***

That first night I shared a small room with Inej. There were two cots, which seemed like the most comfortable thing I've slept on since we left Ketterdam. My side was better now, which I was grateful for. I could barely feel it.

"Inej?" I called out in the darkness. To be honest I wasn't sure if she was still in here or not.

"I'm here," her quiet voice responds from a few feet away. "Are you okay?"

I take a breath, staring at the ceiling.

"Not really," I tell her. "I need to learn how to fight. To protect myself."

The bed across from mine shifts slightly. "(Y/N), are you sure?"

"I have to, Inej. I was no help when we were on that skiff and I don't want to be in that position again."

From her silence I knew she understood what I meant.

"Follow me," she says. I see her silhouette move to the door and I follow her.

Quieter than I thought possible she opened the door and led me down a small hall.

She didn't say anything until we reached the underside of the ship.

"I'm going to teach you how to protect yourself. I'm going to show you the basics to surviving in the Barrel. The same things that helped me in and out of..."

She trails off, remembering what happened to her before.

"Hey, you don't have to say anything."

Inej gives me a grateful look. "Let's just get started. Copy my stance. Put your hands up to protect your face."

I put my hands up to copy her, I move my feet on the wooden floor to match.

And in the bottom of the ship, lit by the few dim lamps that we found and surrounded by crates that just barely gave us room, she taught me to fight. Where to cut and how deep. How to throw a punch to get the hardest hit without hurting yourself or wasting energy. How to get out of a chokehold. How to keep your balance. How to properly hold the knife. How to be quiet and sneak around. All these different things that we practiced until I got them down.

I was nowhere near her skill–I never will be–but next time I will not be left defenseless.

At night when she rested, I practiced the abilities that I was taught to hide. It felt good to be using them again, making me feel more alive.

Hour by hour, drop by drop, I felt myself grow comfortable and faster at manipulating the water around me. Two nights before we reached Ketterdam I finally was able to freeze, and the night after I could control the shape and hold it way better than before. I never got it to heat up by much though, but ice is better than nothing.

I wasn't raised with the same constraints that Grisha have, and I know that Grisha before me were able to do more than just what their Order confined them to. If they could do it, maybe I can too. I have to try, at least.

If I'm going to be here, I'm going to fight.

And if I'm going to fight, I'm going to use everything I've got.

***

It was our last night on the ship and I could see the lights of Ketterdam harbor in the distance. My insomnia was worse tonight than normal. The past couple nights I would have been fast asleep by now, but I couldn't tonight.

Not that I was exactly going to sleep at a good time before.

One of the reasons I couldn't sleep was nerves. Since we got on the ship I've had dreams, not ones that I normally would have, but as if I'm watching the show back in my world. I saw everything, but only once. Some parts seemed like they were sped up or skipped over completely. I wrote everything down so that I wouldn't forget. I wasn't even in them.

The dreams are one of the reasons I am nervous to go back. The Crows were supposed to be arrested as soon as they got seen outside of the club.

I take a deep breath in. Calm down. The Crows aren't going to Hellgate. By extension, I'm not going to Hellgate.

Worry about each step one at a time. Right now, focus on the salty air and the waves below.

I put my hands together and bring some of the water up from the waves. I keep it below the railing level, moving the liquid in circles in an attempt to focus on something else.

"I'm glad I finally found you," Jesper said, startling me.

The water that I had fell back to the sea, disappearing in the waves.

The wind whipped past, threatening to pull off my hood. The salt in the air stinging my hands and face. Even Jesper had ditched the hat he so loved because of it.

"Yeah," I begin, catching my breath. Turning around I face him, seeing the handle of one of his revolvers poking out from the long jacket he still wore. "I couldn't sleep."

"This whole trip?" he questioned.

Busted.

"What's really going on?"

I looked away, back at the open ocean.

"I couldn't be with Kaz," I say honestly. "I was training with Inej. After what happened on the skiff—that fight—I couldn't do it. I was useless. Dead weight."

"You aren't dead weight," Jesper assured me, putting a hand on my shoulder when he notices the tears that threaten my eyes.

"But I am. I almost got myself killed because I couldn't fight and from that Inej almost died. Kaz would barely look at me after we got off, Jesper. And Inej has been teaching me to fight but it doesn't make up for-"

"I'm stopping you there, love," Jesper says, snapping me out of it. "You aren't useless and if the others can't see that—that's on them."

His arms wrap around me, effectively shutting me up.

"Don't tell him I said this," Jesper whispered in my ear, "but Kaz was getting a little worried about you."

I laugh. "Yeah, right."

He finally lets go, stepping to my side. "Choose to believe me or not, but he asked me about you a few times."

Smiling, I shake my head. "It's Kaz. From what I've learned that could mean a million different things."

"I have my theories." Jesper leans on the wooden rail of the ship and looks at me. He gives me a smirk, but it quickly becomes a comforting look. "It's good to see you smile."

"It's good to have a reason to."

A question that I don't have an answer to comes to mind. I think I know, but my dreams ruched over it that I didn't know for certain.

"Does he know?" I asked Jesper quietly, the conversation still somewhat on Kaz.

"Know..." he trails off, waiting for me to continue.

"That you are zowa." Recognition flashes in his eyes before I continue. "A Grisha. A Durast."

"How do you know?"

Putting my hands together, I feel the water in the air and the ocean around us. I lift it out of the glass, making it swirl around Jesper.

"I could sense it," I told him, which was partially true. There was something in his energy–the same thing I felt with Nina when u first saw her–that was reminiscent of my own powers. Of course it wasn't the only reason, but so far Kaz was the only one who knew. I'm still not sure when I'll tell the rest. "And I've seen some of the things you do with those revolvers."

His gray eyes darted between the water and me. "You're also-"

"Yes," I answer, letting the liquid back into its original place.

"No, he doesn't," Jesper says as an answer to my original question.

"Kaz knows about me. But no one else," I tell him. A small smile on my face. "And I won't tell anyone about you. Promise."

***

A/N: Back to normal length chapters, and in the next one we open up back in Ketterdam. I'm not entirely happy with how the conversation between Jesper and the reader came out in this chapter, but I felt that it was important for them to finally talk about this. I'll do a double update in apologies for how long it's been since I last updated (friend please stop yelling at me)