Letters Left Unsent

Chapter 4

Starting Completely Over

January 1st 2012

Who will I be?

This is it. My chance to start over. New year, new me. Okay okay.... I know. That's so cliche everybody says that every year. Every single year. I know. But change with me needs to happen. I need to stop playing the victim. I'm not. I allowed it to happen. 

February 2012

Today, I started venting in letters. Rather than say what I'm thinking out loud so I don't hurt anybody. So that I'm not victimizing other people. So that I don't play the victim card.

Dear Brayden,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I played a victim when I never had a right to feel sorry for myself. I'm sorry I spoke your name to others, as it was unfair to you. Your name is only to be spoken in a positive light much like anyone elses.

I'm sorry your sister feels the need to defend you. I'm sorry I came trampling into your life when you were most vulnerable. I'm sorry for being the person I'm now trying not to be. I promise to give you peace. I promise to leave you alone. Although I can't help but wonder....

Is my name on the tip of your tongue, warm on your lips.... Just as yours is for me?

Not too long ago I drove past your house. And no. Not creepily. But because it was on my way to a boutique in town. Your car was in the driveway. I couldn't help but wonder how you'd act if I just stopped in to see how you're doing.

But I didn't. Because I know with me you swore to never let me back in. That's fair. You swore I was psycho. Honestly.... Fair. I'm the one that needs to get help. And I'm sorry I ruined your spotless reputation. You're not a liar. I lied to myself. That's on me.

You weren't a player.... I played myself. That's on me. I let my feelings get hurt when there shouldn't have been feelings to hurt. I should have never wrecked your life like the wrecking ball I am. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I could never be what you wanted too. So selfish and I know. I even at one point was what you said. A psycho. I tried to conform to you just to be the girl I thought you would love.

I wish I could change everything that's ever happened to be able to take your pain away. I quit caring about my feelings such a long time ago. Unhealthy, but I've learned that if I quit caring about myself.... It makes everyone else happy!

Still, although things were never meant to be real or "Work out" between us, I would do anything just to see you happy. That's a promise. I just want you happy and healthy and to feel the loving touch of the sun on your skin. Knowing you're going to be okay.

A

I set down the pen as I finish the letter. Tears stinging my eyes. Trying my best to snap out of my own stupid victim mentality. I let him hurt me. It's MY fault. It's MY FAULT that things never worked out. Because I got attached.

We were barely friends. He never cared about me. I should've kept that in my head instead of believing in a fairytale. Also, how could he love me when love is something that doesn't exist? Exactly. He couldn't have. Not even platonically.

I knew better than that. I've known him longer than almost anybody. Except for Steve, his best friend in Utah from childhood that moved away. Otherwise, I should've known my own fate.

If you ask me, Brayden deserves to be happy. Me? I'm getting what's coming to me. I'm deserving of all the negative things that are happening to me. That's what happens. What comes around goes around.

"Dinner!" My mom yells as I shove the letter into my binder neatly, placing it in a laminated sleeve. I get up clearing my face, trying to appear happy as I make my way down to the family common areas.

"I think you and Brayden auta go somewhere and work things out," My mom said

"He has me blocked," I say

"Last time you did that he talked down on me to you and still got away with it. Also, it was extremely embarrassing. What teenager wants their mom stepping in on something like this?" I ask

"Well you're both stubborn," she says.

"No Mom, it's really done this time. We're never talking again." I say depressed.

"Well, you guys didn't talk for nine months last time. Maybe with space and time, you'll work this one out too." She says

"Only because you intervened and got involved and he felt obligated," I say

"Well if you stop jumping to conclusions and you knew he didn't feel the same way and still let it get the best of you. You knew better than to think there was still a chance."

"He was texting me every day calling me babe and baby and telling me I'm wife material every day. It wasn't easy to get it through my skull that he never wanted me when he made it difficult to see that. But you're right. It's my fault. I'm not playing the victim. Because I victimized him. I made him out to be the bad guy. Hell, I'm still doing it. " I said.

"Whatever, I can't change it...." I shrug. Eventually, I finished my dinner, going upstairs. On the way up I fall. Bursting into tears. I continuously try and try to stop the tears. "Stop it!" I say to myself "You don't get to cry!" I say frustrated.

I dust myself off and go to my room, putting a pillow between my knees. One behind my back. Then putting my earbuds in. Blasting "The Way I Loved You" by Taylor Swift, as well as "All Too Well".

Also grabbing my pen, I start to jot down some poetry, partially singing it out loud.

"Summers came and summers went.

Just like you, it was short and brief.

This time without you has been summer rain in a mud puddle.

My time with you was summer rain in a drought.

Unforgettable,

Magical,

Unbelievable.

Incredible."