Reply 2010 - CHANBAEK FF

14 : kiss & tell

Present, 2022

(30)

It's past nine in the evening. Crumpled papers rolled into balls are scattered on the floor. The lamp on the study table is the only source of light in the bedroom. Gentle scribbling and scritching noises accompany Baekhyun as he diligently writes on a sheet of paper with a traditional pencil.

It's already the fifth night of his attempt to construct a handwritten letter to Chanyeol but he can't still properly express through words the feelings he wants to convey. He keeps on redoing and rewriting his sentences, eventually failing to write a perfect paragraph describing what his heart truly feels. Hence, the mess on the floor causing trees to cry if they had eyes.

Thinking he would maybe feel a bit more comfortable if he wrote his reply through text, he managed to type a long-ass message on his phone and saved it in his drafts. But he ended up deleting the whole thing the next morning anyway, feeling all awkward and embarrassed about it.

So tonight, he's trying again. His progress basically consists of two sentences, and he's, again, fighting the urge to crumple the paper he's currently writing. He just settles for slamming his cheek against the desk instead, head turned sideways while staring at the boring wall of his bedroom.

He exhales dejectedly.

"It's not as easy as I thought..."

Baekhyun had no trouble writing a letter to Chanyeol before. He even gave him one on White Day when they were 18, and the embarrassment he felt when Chanyeol read it out loud was unforgettable. But that was different. They were best friends. To him, it was a friendship letter. But to Chanyeol, it wasn't. And right now, this letter Baekhyun is trying to write, will all be about everything beyond his friendship with Chanyeol.

You could just tell him your reply in person. Why bother with a letter? Just say it out loud like a real man. Baekhyun's brain tells him as he reminisces all the things Chanyeol has done for him in the past and the present. There are several reasons why Baekhyun can't bring himself to confess yet. He can't just easily say it out loud like it was nothing special.

One. It's too early.

Early? Who is he kidding? It's been over a decade. Chanyeol has waited for this all his life. It's about time he assures Chanyeol. So it's not early. It's been long overdue.

But it's technically early since they just started going out, though... Still. It's too early for Baekhyun to say the magic words. This may sound an excuse but he thinks his love is still raw and unrefined. It's still new and young. His love needs more time to deepen. To marinate. To strengthen.

Love? Does he even have the right to call it love? Can his two-month dating experience with Chanyeol equate to Chanyeol's 12 long years of admiration?

And so it leads him to the second reason.

Two. It's not enough. Telling Chanyeol his version of 'I love you' will never suffice. Baekhyun believes it's gonna be surface-level and underdeveloped if he says those wonderful now. Words are lacking and temporary. But letters hold meanings. They're more heartfelt. They act as evidence and proof that something was said. They're tangible and they last for a very long time.

The third reason why Baekhyun is having this emotional turmoil about confessing--whether he admits it or not--is because he lacks confidence.

He thinks he doesn't deserve Chanyeol.

Being loved, accepting that love, and making things official with Chanyeol is happiness. But what's next? What can he bring to the table? How much can he offer to the relationship if his love is still weak and experimental? How can he catch up if he is still crawling and Chanyeol is already running? The confidence he has from the start is slowly fading as he realizes how big and great Chanyeol's love for him actually is.