Moving On

Thirty

Thirty / Luke

I want to say that despite the fact that we were all deeply sad of Carly's untimely passing and that I hated her for most of the time when we were together, the pain was short-lived and that we are all happy that she's in a better place now, et cetera.

But if I say that, then I would be lying.

The pain was definitely not short-lived. It crept through my insides, repeatedly struck me where it hurts most, and made breathing a living hell for me.

I think the part about us being happy that she's in a better place was slightly true. We were, as a matter of fact, relieved that she won't have to feel the pain that came with her sickness anymore. But there's only one problem with that: she's not with us anymore.

Most people would think that that's a bit selfish, but I have a feeling that Carly would've picked pain over death anytime. She wouldn't have killed herself if there she didn't have a reason, and from what I know, she always has a reason for why she does things. I just wish I knew what it was this time.

The worst thing about the funeral is comforting people when you're just as devastated as they are. I wish I could just press the fast-forward button, get this over with, go home and be the one being comforted.

Sandra kept on talking to a tall girl who looked like Carly and then I realized that maybe it was that sister she was talking about.

Everybody was at the funeral: the boys, Austin, Blaine, Sandra's mom and her fiancé, Jerry, and even my mom. And I thought she would take this a little bit more lightly than we would since she hated Carly's guts from the moment she laid eyes on her, but I misjudged her. She took it as hard as we all did.

Sandra's aunt said that Dev shouldn't be at the service. She said he was just too young, and as a psychiatrist, she thinks it's better for him to know about his mom's death second-hand from me or Sandra. She also said that it's imperative that Dev should know who Blaine is, and that I should gradually step out of the picture.

I was seated up front, in between Austin and Calum. Carly's sister was at the podium saying her eulogy, and I could hear Austin biting back sobs. If I wasn't hurting so much on the inside, I would've smiled.

"After our mom passed away, I've been looking after my sister ever since," she was saying. "I didn't have a hard time doing so because she's a bit mature for her age. Hell, she even acted more mature than I did. And I will miss her. Nothing, not even this eulogy I'm giving right now would cover half of it."

She took out a handkerchief and wiped her tears off. She looked at Sandra and nodded. It was her turn.

Sandra stood up from where she sat and made her way to the podium.

She took out a crumpled paper from her pocket and tried her best to smoothen it out with her hands. She adjusted the mic, stood a little straighter, and began to say the words she has written only two hours ago.

"Most of you don't know who I am, and that's okay, because I didn't know who I was to Carly until recently," she said. "Carly's life was literally a soap opera. She had the worst problems ever. But like all the protagonists in soap operas, she was a fighter."

Unfortunately, we were all part of that 'soap opera', I thought.

"I didn't know her that long. I didn't know her that well. But I do know that she is a strong woman. She taught me how to forgive, move on, and be strong. She taught me that storms don't last forever."

I fixed my eyes on her. She looked awfully well for someone who has been crying non-stop. She looked like she was going to bawl again, but her voice sounded pretty steady.

"Because of Carly, I now believe that there's no such thing as a bad person. It's just bad things happen to good people and it changes them. But everyone has a heart, and everyone is good," she said. "Carly will never be forgotten. And I know that she's happy wherever she is because she finally gets to be with her mom and our dad. And now you know who I am. I'm Carly's sister, and unlike her life, that's forever."

My jaw dropped.

Sandra was Carly's sister?

She stepped off the podium. I expected her to return to her seat, but she went Carly's sister-or, I guess, her sister-and whispered something I wish I heard. The lady nodded and said something back, and then Sandra started walking away from the service.

I stood up, but Calum stopped me from following her.

"Leave her alone, Luke," he said to me. "Don't make this harder for her. I know you don't like being told things beforehand, but maybe it's time you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about what other feel."

As much as I hated to admit it, Calum's right. This time, I don't need to throw a tantrum about not knowing.

I sat down and let her go.