Moving On

Thirty-three

Thirty-three / Sandra

After the 'mini reunion'-as Calum put it-last night, today, the gang decided to visit Carly at her final resting place. It's been months since she died. We all miss her.

She was buried at the same cemetery as her dad because we figured she would haunt us if we put her anywhere near her mom, but she has her own mausoleum. Jennette paid for it all, and said this was the last chance she could buy her sister something. I understood, since she took care of Carly ever since they were kids.

After the others said their prayers, I asked them if they could just give me and my sister some privacy for the last time. They happily obliged.

In the middle of my prayer, I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around and saw Dr. Demitriyev, her doctor back at her hospital in Cincinnati.

"Dr. Demitriyev?" I asked. "What are you going here?"

"Hello, Sandra," he smiled at me. He was holding a bouquet of white stargazers, Carly's favourite. He placed it on top of the crypt. "I come here at least once a week to bring her flowers."

"Why?"

"I didn't attend her funeral, for starters," he explained. Oh, yeah. I didn't see him there. "And that made me feel guilty along with the fact that I couldn't save her. I felt so stupid not finding that bottle in her room immediately. I feel like it's my fault."

I was about to tell him that it wasn't his fault-it wasn't anyone's fault, for that matter-but he cut me off.

"I know you're going to say none of us saw it coming, so it was nobody's fault," he said. I nodded. "But that's the way I feel. And I'm entitled to feel whatever the hell I want to feel. And I feel the need to bring her flowers regularly, because I also feel like it was my fault she's not here anymore."

"I respect that," I said.

"I wish I could I just ask her why, you know?"

I nodded. "I do to, doctor."

"But didn't she leave you an answer?" He asked me. "I thought that's what the letters were for."

"What letters?"

He gives me a confused look. "The ones I gave you the day she died," he said. "The five different coloured envelopes I handed you when I stepped out of her room, Sandra. You tossed them in your bag that day; I thought you would've read by now. I figured they were letters because names were written on the face, including yours."

I immediately ran back to Jess' car.

The bag Dr. Demitriyev was talking about was the bag I used today. Maybe the letters were still there since I don't remember throwing anything out from my bag.

"Sandra?" Jess asked as she saw me running. "What's wrong?"

I didn't say a word. I opened the passenger-side door and started rummaging through my bag. Sure enough, there were five different coloured envelopes there, just like the doctor said. I quickly scanned the faces. They were addressed to Dev, Blaine, Luke, Jennette, and me. I quickly opened mine, not caring if I ruin the envelope.

Sandra,

I know we haven't known each other that long and we hated each other sixty percent of that brief time, but I just want you to know that I'm happy we had the chance to know each other as sisters before I decided to take my own life.

I always had that bottle kept hidden somewhere. I always brought it with me. You never know when you might need to kill yourself, and that day seemed to perfect for me to do so. I know you didn't tell Luke. I know you wouldn't break a promise. That's why I wasn't mad at you. But I couldn't face Luke and tell to his face that I lied to him. I just can't. I know I've lied before-I've lied to him before-but that doesn't invalidate the shame I felt. I couldn't stand to look in his eyes and tell him I played him a fool. And that's part of the reason why I killed myself.

If you're wondering why I left Dev all alone, don't. It was like hell for me, leaving my baby behind. But I knew this is what I had to do. He's found his real daddy, Blaine, and I know Blaine can raise him to be the best man ever. Blaine will drill it into Dev's head how to be nice, how to respect everyone, and how to forgive his mommy for killing herself. Dev doesn't deserve me. He deserves a better mother, and I'm sure Blaine can find him one.

I know you'd be the first to read one of the letters, so promise me this: make sure everyone gets to read theirs. I don't care how long it takes; just make sure they read it. Give Dev's letter to Blaine and tell him to let Dev read it as soon as he could. I want my baby to know as early as possible. I also know Dr. Demitriyev will be the one to hand you these, because he's a motherfucker, he likes going through my stuff. I wanted to write him a letter, but I only had two hours. I think I'll just haunt him.

Thank you for everything you taught me in such a short time. You have no idea how much I love you. I loved you even when I was sort of destroying your life. It was hard for me to do the things I did when I knew you were my sister. But I was too weak then to overcome the hatred my mother planted inside of me. It was only then when I was near death that I realized it wasn't worth it. Why would I deprive myself of the pleasure of loving my sister? I couldn't, that's why I called you first when Dev needed someone.

Sorry if I added something to the list of things that hurt you, I really am. But I had to. You'll understand when the time comes. And if you ever miss me, read this letter over and over again until you don't miss me anymore. I know you'll find your home soon. I know I'm going to, I saw mom and dad before I wrote the letters. They're waiting for me. I don't want to keep them waiting any longer.

I love you so much, and I'm going to miss you terribly.

Your sister from another mother,

Carly Nichols Queenly

(P.S., God I missed writing Queenly as my surname, you have no idea!)