Moving On

Ten

TEN
S a n d r a

"No way." That finally got my attention. I know it's nearly impossible for two students to have at least two subjects together, much less have an almost identical schedule.

"Yes way," Austin says with a smirk. "This is going to be awesome! We're already roommates and we'll get to see each other more often!" He's teasing me. This can't be.

I give him a death glare. "Give me that!" I snatch our schedules away from his hands. I don't care if they get torn. I wish they would just get torn.

"Our only difference in our minors," I say. Our minors! That means I have to see this guy in every major subject I take which is twice from Monday to Thursday and once on Fridays.

Why does the universe have to be so cruel to me? I've been good. I didn't do anything wrong. And yet I've been stuck with a stranger I'm having a rough relationship with in a dorm room and now in my classes.

I roll my eyes, drop his schedule on the ground, and start walking away again. I'm mean like that. If he hasn't had the idea yet that I don't like him, I hope he does now. I'm not one to pretend I like someone. I'm straightforward like that.

"Hey, what gives?" I hear him yell from a couple of meters away from me.

Ignore and walk, Sandra, I tell myself. Ignore and walk.

Now I really need to get as much rest as I can. Before I knew I was tied to Austin for the majority of my classes, I was already sure I was going to get sucker punched by the subjects I'm taking this term. But now that I have the knowledge that he's going to be there with me for most of the time, I just don't know. It kind of makes me want to poke my eyeballs out.

I wish someone would scientifically explain to me why hating someone drains out almost all the energy out of your body.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm not supposed to hate him. I mean, it's not his fault that he looks exactly like Justin. And why do I even hate him so much? He looks like Justin for fuck's sake! I should be smothering him with affection!

But I'm not like that. I don't bury my pain by giving the wrong kind of attention to someone. That would be unfair to them, me, and Justin. And I know that if Justin was in my shoes, he wouldn't do what I'm thinking of doing. He's such a good person, unlike me.

I'm finally back at the dorms. I'm so drained. I have a lot going on through my mind; I wish they would just stop for a while. That's where sleep usually becomes helpful, but not for me. When I close my eyes for more than two minutes I see painful things: the accident, waking up at the hospital with Justin gone, going through high school like a ghost, Justin's death anniversary, my speech, Luke...

At first I had the perfect life. I had everything in my palm. My grades were high and stable, me and my mom are happy despite the absence of my dad, I had two best friends that cares for me deeply, I had the greatest boyfriend ever...

But then shit happened. Shit after shit after shit. Luke, then Carly, then Justin.

I don't remember doing something so terrible and unforgivable to someone to deserve what happened in my life.

"It's funny, you know," I say to no one in particular. "I was supposed to be moving forward with my life because I knew that's what Justin would want, but whenever something unfortunate happens to me I whine."

Great, I thought. Now I'm talking to myself. Have I gone mad?

I open our dorm room door. The smell of cleaners are still present, but they're tolerable than before. It's actually kind of pleasant.