SOLITUDE VIVIFIES | Kim Seungmin

013 | half-hearted

kim seungmin
───────────

The university and college structure is different from the regular elementary and high school structure. Half of the week only consists of one class which are lectures about different aspects of your department.

And fortunately are Mondays one of these days.

“Haneul?” I called her name while we prepared to leave the lecture hall.

“Are you busy or do you have time right now?” I asked.

“I have time, why? Do you want to do something?” Haneul asked back.

“I mostly just want to ask how you know Minseo” I answered.

Haneul stayed both quiet and still for a few seconds after my answer.

“You drink right?” Haneul suddenly asked out of curiosity.

“I do but isn't it weird to go out and drink at this hour on a Monday?” I replied

“This Monday has been weird since you crashed right into me so why not make it more weird. Let's go” Haneul said and smiled at me before she started to walk away.

I chuckled at her and then quickly caught up her speed. Haneul could have just answered my question on the spot but why not take it over a drink, I guess?

🌥️

Me and Haneul ended up sitting outside a convenience store because we both wanted facile snacks to our drinks. Haneul poured our shot glass and then we did a small cheers before sending the alcohol to our stomach.

“Jisung told me about Minseo” Haneul suddenly said while she refilled our glass.

Why am I not surprised? Of course he did.

“I asked Jisung if he knew who you would pair up with since you wanted me and Jisung to be project partners. That's when he said Minseo's name and when I listened to his voice it sounded like he didn't like her. That's why I'm curious about who Minseo is” Minseo added before emptying another glass.

“Do you remember when I asked you if there is a limit of kindness because my friend thinks I'm too kind for my own good?” I asked and Haneul nodded.

“That friend is Jisung. He is not against Minseo as a person, he is just against our relationship in general” I answered.

“The thing is..” I started.

I looked down at my shot glass while I started to doubt the things I was about to share. Not because I doubt Haneul since I do feel comfortable talking with her. It's because I somehow doubt myself and my situation.

I quickly emptied my glass and let out a sigh before I decided to continue from where I left.

“Both Minseo and my dad are hospitalized and diagnosed with cancer. My dad got it 1,5 almost 2 years ago meanwhile my first interaction with Minseo happened 1,5 months ago. It was supposed to be just a one-time small talk but then I saw her at university the day after and at the hospital the day after that” I said.

“We weren't supposed to become close, we just naturally did. I always try to make sure I check up on Minseo as much as I can because I want to be there for her and that's when Jisung comes in. The closer I get to Minseo, the more pain am I going to receive if she dies. That's what Jisung is scared of.. And so am I” I added.

I quickly grabbed the soju bottle to refill my glass and drink it up. It actually was a good suggestion of Haneul to take this over a drink. Since Jisung has been the only one who knows about Minseo have I been used to his reaction and thoughts about this. But talking with other words about it and to someone who doesn't have the exact same reaction and thoughts as Jisung.

No matter how much Jisung has tried to feed my brian with the fact Minseo is about to die, as well as seeing Minseo's condition get worse every time I see her.. I have been able to keep my mind separated from the thought of Minseo's death until this particular moment.

At this point is Minseo my whole day. I dream of her both when I'm asleep and wide awake and she is my reason why I get out of bed every morning. And one day will my whole day, my reason to get out of bed and my Minseo.. One day it will all be gone. Bridal couples promise to love each other until death separates them apart, but my love for Minseo won't die just because she dies.

“Minseo must be a very close friend despite knowing each other for such a short amount of time” Haneul said with a smile yet a half-hearted tone in her voice.

I looked at her while she emptied another glass. It doesn't matter if Haneul said something sweet while having a smile on her face because I can tell that smile was forced and she didn't really mean the words she said.

"Don't try to act when it's written all over your face. I'm sorry, I sort of drifted away and started to overshare. But I'm not the only one going through things right now, do you wanna talk about it?” I asked Haneul.

“Oh- No, don't worry, you didn't overshare and I- uhm.. I think I-I need to go actually..” Haneul answered with a voice of stress while she got up from the chair and started to run away.

“Wait! You don't want me to- nevermind she's gone” I said.

I let out a sigh and grabbed my things so I could leave as well. I kept thinking of Haneul, her words and the behavior she just had while I walked home. Now I feel bad for Haneul because of the things I shared, it doesn't matter what Haneul says because I did overshare and put her in a uncomfortable situation whens she's definitely going through hard right now as well.

What makes things worse is that I didn't have any knowledge about it either. I had no idea Haneul was going through something nor didn't even think she could be going through something. Instead I just kept talking about myself like I wanted her to feel pity for me.

I hate feeling selfish because that's the last thing I want someone to think of when they hear my name.

I let out another sigh while I moved my glance from the ground to the sky, accidentally catching one of my favorite stores in front of me. I walked in and casually looked at the books and stationery around me until I stopped at the notebook section.

“Notebook-sale, buy 2 and pay for 1” I read on the sign.

There are not a lot of pages left in my current journal so it would be stupid of me to walk out empty handed with this deal right in front of me. If I buy my new one now I have it prepared when my current journal is filled and then am I even prepared after that.

“Wait” I said.

I felt how the light bulb above my head lit up when an idea popped into my head.