SOLITUDE VIVIFIES | Kim Seungmin

030 | i'm sorry i love you

song minseo
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Running away from the presentation yesterday is an addition to my mistake collection. It sure was not the smarties decision I have ever made, but when do you ever make good decisions in life? Even if your decision feels right at that moment, there will always be consequences afterward.

Why running away from the presentation yesterday was a mistake because now I'm full of shame. I only need to picture greeting my professor and meeting Jisung and Haneul to feel embarrassed. I know they are going to question me about my decision, and I know people are going to judge me about it by reminding me of how stupid it was.

I'm still learning to listen to myself and understand that at the end of the day, my opinion is the only thing that matters in a situation like this. I have to learn to stop caring about what other people think about it.

Learning to stop carrying about other people's opinions is hard, especially when you have done that your whole life. When you notice a flaw in yourself, it's hard to imagine that others don't see it. If you think you are a messed up person, you think that everyone thinks you are a messed up person too.

I tried to follow the routine Dr Sim gave me, to write down my thoughts and feelings whenever it's boiling inside me. Unforuenlty, I haven't been able to keep up with that routine because my thoughts and feelings are out of control.

Journaling is supposed to be my healing time, an activity that helps me calm down and relieve stress. Instead, it did the opposite and I ended up throwing my journal across the room. Even though it is beneficial to acknowledge your feelings since it helps you understand yourself better, however.

Sometimes, journaling makes me feel like a freak and a truly messed up person. Seeing my thoughts and feelings being written in front of me is like revving a slap in the face by myself. Reading my thoughts and feelings that are written by myself makes me sick.

I thought I had already hit rock bottom when I had to live at the hospital again, but I was wrong. During my second time at the hospital, I thought I had nothing to lose because nothing meaningful existed back then.

But now I do have something meaningful in my life, I have Seungmin who I'm terrified to lose. I dont want to lose him because I simply can't lose him. Losing him means that I will lose myself, again.

Seeing Seungmin's hospital room across the long hallway made me run. My eyes were aimed at the door the whole day while my heart impatiently waited to see Seungmin's face again. I ran inside his room, seeing Seungmin eating peacefully by himself.

I ran up to him and hugged him from the side, letting my tears run down. Seungmin was quick to hug me back, welcoming me to his embrace of comfort.

"Can I stay here forever?" I asked in between my sobbing.

"You can stay here forever" Seungmin answered as he stroke my back.

I want to tell him everything. Tell him how meaningless life feels and how worthless I feel, but I can't do that. The world doesn't revolve around me, I am not the only one who's going through a chapter of suffering. Seungmin's ongoing chapter is worse than mine, so who am I to complain about my life?

It does not feel fair to sit and complain when I know Seungmin's situation. There is already enough burden on Seungmin's shoulders and I don't want to add more. I have always been aware of my problems with oversharing. I tend to keep things to myself for too long when I start speaking with someone, I naturally start oversharing.

I am nothing but a person with complaints. I must be the most negative person on earth. Yet, Seungmin still likes me?

"Seungmin.. I'm sorry and I love you" I said.

"Never apologize to me again, Minseo" Seungmin replied as he held me tighter.

⛅

The sound of a loud and long beep caused me to wake up. Seungmin and I fell asleep with me on top of Seungmin while his arms are wrapped around my body. I looked at the heart monitor beside me, seeing a thin line across it.

I immediately got out of Seungmin's arms and stared at him in panic. Thousands of thoughts were crossing my mind at once, yet one was screaming louder than the others. Did I kill Seungmin?

Nurse Ahn walked into the room, staring at me in shock who was freaking out. She ran up to Seungmin and checked his pulse and breathing. A part of me prayed for Seungmin to be alive, he has to be alive. However, I shouldn't keep my expectations too high, especially when I felt how weak Seungmin's muscles were while hugging me.

The beep from the heart monitor echoed inside my ears, my head was spinning, and my vision was blurry. I was about to pass out any second. Nurse Ahn caught me before I was about to fall down on the ground.

"Why did you save me? You have to save Seungmin!" I yelled.

"Because I can't save Seungmin, Minseo" Nurse Ahn replied.

Despite the echoing beep could I still hear every word she said. I am standing still, protected by Nurse Ahn, yet I'm out of balance and feel like I'm going to hit my head while falling down on the floor.

During it all, tears started to run down. Anger and sadness, my two strongest emotions are hitting me at once. They have waited for the moment, they have wanted for a perfect opportunity like this to tear me apart.

I managed to look at Seungmin despite my difficulties. My body is filled with regret and guilt. If we didn't fall asleep, would Seungmin still be alive? If I didn't fall asleep on top of him, would Seungmin still be alive? If I didn't crush Seungmin's body to his death, he would be alive right now.

I always thought that I was going to hurt him, but not like this. I am the cause of Seungmin's dead.