SOLITUDE VIVIFIES | Kim Seungmin

021 | magical addiction

song minseo 
───────────

There are more differences than similarities between me today and me 6 months ago. In fact, the only similarity is that I am still alive.

Six months ago, I was begging the world to kill me in my sleep. I looked forward to sleeping at night since that meant the day was finally over. That's why I hated waking up in the morning. Waking up in the morning meant another day of suffering because I'm still alive.

Six months ago, Doctor Sim talked to me a lot about depression, a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness.

I definitely have depression. I have been so messed up for so long to not be depressed. Six months might seem like a long time ago, but for me, it's not. Especially when I know I have changed a lot. My whole life has changed to the point where I barely recognize it anymore.

It's sad to realize that I reached a point where I was used to feeling meaningless. Everything was meaningless, specifically my existence. It felt like I was totally colorblind, and was constantly told how colorful the world is.

Am I still depressed? How am I supposed to answer that when I dont even recognize my own reflection in the mirror? However, real depression is when you stop loving the things you love, and I haven't stopped loving Seungmin yet.

Growing an attachment to Seungmin was not a choice; it just happened. There are moments when I wish you could control your emotions instead of your emotions controlling you. However, if I were in control of my emotions, I wouldn't have fallen in love with Seungmin.

I'm still trying to process and understand all of my emotions. For years, I thought joy was the highest achievement you could attain among the emotions. But now, I have learned that there is another emotion out there. That emotion is love, an emotion I never thought believed in because I never thought I would ever reach that level.

It makes sense now why movies and books portray love as a magical addiction. Being in love is like Cupid putting you under a spell when he shoots you with his arrows.

"What are you thinking about?" Seungmin suddenly asked as he playfully bumped into my shoulder.

I just smiled back. I guess I got lost in my own thoughts as I watched Seungmin carry my moving box. It feels unreal to be back at my aunt's house, knowing I will move back soon. Nevertheless, due to my aunt's absence at this moment, it more feels like Seungmin and I are moving in together.

"I want to see your room" Seungmin said.

I smiled again as I showed Seungmin the way to my room. As I opened the door to my room, a strong wave of comfort hit me. Even if my aunt has decorated it with photographs and re-painted the walls from white to ash grey, it still looks the same.

Seungmin took a closer look at the photographs placed all over the room while I sat on my bed.

"Who are these people" Seungmin asked as he sat down next to me with a framed picture in his hands.

"That's my friends from high school. Despite not talking to each other for years, I still count them as my best friends" I answered.

I'm not sure if best friends are the right word to describe them since they did leave at the time I needed them the most. And based on what I have learned, that's not what friends do. But at the end of the day, it was high school—the number one place where friendships break apart.

"Do you think we would be as close as we are right now if we went to the same class in high school?" Seungmin asked.

"To be honest, no. I'm quite sure we would belong to different cliques and being classmates would be the only thing we had in common" I answered with a soft chuckle.

"You belonged to the cool and popular kid's clique when you went to high school, right?" I added.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I was not. If you had to put me into a clique would the closet one be the smart ones or the teacher's pet" Seungmin answered while he scratched his neck.

"Speaking of school, can I ask you something about Haneul?" I asked to change the conversation topic.

"I don't know anything about her so maybe it's just a wrong first impression. However, Haneul doesn't seem to like me that much?" I added.

"Me and Haneul are not on good terms at the moment, we have an ongoing unsolved argument between us. So, Haneul has nothing against you, just me" Seungmin answered.

"I understand" I replied.

Even if Seungmin did answer my question, it still feels like he is leaving out a lot of details. I don't think is lying to me, I just think that he is not telling me the whole truth.

"There you two are. I bought some food on the way home, so let's eat" My aunt said as she walked into my room.

Seungmin helped me up from my bed and then we started to walk out. My aunt let Seungmin walk out first and then she grabbed my arm to say something.

"I like him already" My aunt whispered with a smile.

"I knew you would like him" I whispered back with a smile.

All Seungmin needed to do was breathe for my aunt to like him. It doesn't surprise me either since it's almost impossible to not like Seungmin.