SOLITUDE VIVIFIES | Kim Seungmin

032 | final words

The purpose of this journal is to write about you and when I feel brave enough or when I have zero pages left, I will give it to you. Spoiler alert, I think about you a lot which you may already know but in case you didn't know, you are constantly running laps inside my mind, Minseo.

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Have I ever told you when I fell in love with you? It was during one of her study sessions at the hospital. Neither of us would keep the focus on the work since all our attention went to each other. That day, Jisung suddenly showed up as well to give you his notes. After that, you asked me who Haneul was and I asked back if you were jealous. But the truth is, I was the one who was being jealous. Seeing you speaking with Jisung caused my jealousy to appear, that's why I was being clingy once he left.

After that day, all I could think about was you and how much I actually loved you. It won't surprise me if I fell in love with you before that day, but that was the day I realized it and to be honest, it was one of the best days in my life.

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You hit a milestone today, Minseo.

You took your first steps today. Know it sounds like you are a little baby who just learned how to walk, but it really was a precious moment of seeing you walk towards me. I was actually holding back tears when I looked at you because I was so proud of you. I will always be proud of you for keep getting up no matter how many times you have fallen. You are the strongest person I know and I hope you know that.

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Today was our first day at University together. As you probably remember, I was scared the whole day, scared that something would happen to you and I wouldn't be nearby the help you. The thought of something bad happening to you again after everything you have been through, I can not let that happen.

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Did you know what I did today, had the best day of my life. In case I have never told you, you are incredible, Minseo. Today we had our first and definitely not the last date. And the best part of it all, we left the stargazing place as a couple. I tried my best to keep my eyes focused on the shiny night sky but to be honest, you were more beautiful.

And the words you said to me, if I ever get a tattoo, I will definitely be all the words you said to me during the date. You never stop surprising me, I was even left speechless because your words were a beautiful love poem. I wish you knew how much I adore you. You really are one in a million and I can't believe I am the lucky one. You are my very own four clovers.

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Now.. This is where everything will change and head in another direction than we expected. All the focus has been on you and your recovery, but now, it's all about me and my cancer.

Everything was going according to plan until our unexpected nightmare showed up. Lying down on that hospital bed with you sitting beside me, was another level of pain. Seeing you hurt is like feeling my heart being scratched by sharp claws. Especially when you started to blame yourself for it like it was your fault that I am here?

Minseo, you have done nothing but good in my life. You are the last piece I didn't know I needed. My life has never been better, you have changed it for the better by existing by my side.

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Sometimes it is easier to write down your feelings before saying them out loud to someone. I never had plans to keep secrets away from you or hide parts of my life, but what's going on right now is not something I can tell you. The truth is, I am not getting better, in fact, I might die soon.

What is the better option, to tell you that my death day is coming or keeping it a secret? I know your answer is to tell you about my death day but I really can't tell you. My heart can't handle seeing you hurt, I can't even think about telling you about it because I knew how crushed you will be.

Jisung suggested that I should break up with you in order to make the situation easier or something. Hearing that suggestion from him made me question if Jisung actually knows me. You will always be my priority. I will always choose you. If I starred in a movie where I needed to leave you, the genre would be horror.

What scares me the most is that soon I'm about to leave this earth behind, leaving you all alone in your own horror movie. Death does scare me, but what scares me the most is that I am not going to be able to be there for you after my death. I am not going to be there when you need me the most.

As my final words, I would like to say, our story doesn't have a happy ending, but it's still my favorite.