their caregiver | billie eilish

16

I sat uncomfortably on the bland hotel bed. Billie and I had gotten back to our rooms about ten minutes ago. Time seemed to be passing incredibly slow, without the alarm clock ticking away on the nightstand I'm sure I would assume it's been at least half an hour. Billie had gone to take a phone call in Finneas's room since he was out and she had a key card in case of emergencies. Which left me to sit on top of the well made bed, my knees up to my chest and bent inwards slightly, and pick a movie to watch or something else to do. I took the liberty of changing into lounging clothes when Billie took her call; a red sweatshirt that I drowned in, a pair of shorts made out of a similar material and some socks.

I felt horribly guilty for ruining lunch and making Billie stay inside during her last day of being here. I guess that would make it my last day, but I've already experienced everything, it should have been her turn. If I had behaved normally in the park, would she be happier? Would she have stayed out longer?

Would she have picked up Jesse's call or would she have slid her phone away to stay with me?

Would she look at me the same? Would her eyes long for mine in a way that didn't mimic those of curiosity? Could her eyes match mine?

Of course, I knew they couldn't, wouldn't.

I'm just a side project for her, something to keep her busy and focused while her boyfriend was in a different state.

My body warmed the space in the bed where I sat, my hands held the remote to the TV but my thumb never even twitched. I sat still.

I breathed slowly; Calmly. Such deception, yet it enveloped me so comfortably.

The creak of the door broke my gaze, my head turning towards the sound.

"Sorry that took so long." Billie apologized, I almosted scoffed at the irony. "Did you find anything?" She asked, shutting the door behind her.

She looked at me kindly, almost with sincerity as she sat next to me and looked at the TV. I wondered if she sat comfortably in her own lies, or if it was just me reaching for her and hoping that my actions weren't so cold.

"No, I got distracted." I answered honestly, willing my thumb to press the buttons on the remote to scroll through the different movies and shows.

"Is everything okay?" I asked her.

"Hm?" She hummed, her brows furrowing.

"Your call." I added, her eyes beamed as she realized what I was asking.

Truly, I couldn't care for Jesse. I've only known Billie for a few days and I feel embarrassingly jealous of him and the way she spoke about him, like he was everything to her. But, I do care about her, and if he means so much to her, I might as well express some level of interest.

"No yeah, everything's fine. We were just catching up, he's excited to see me when we get back to LA- I'm excited to see him too." Her lips cracked up into a smile. "I miss him, touring is always so difficult. He said he'll come to my encore shows, though, since they're in town." She explained.

She probably spoke about him more, I wasn't sure, I wasn't paying attention.

Her nose crinkled up as her lips continued to form a smile and move with her words. Finally, her eyes squinted and the apples of her cheeks defined to complete her joyful expression. As pretty as she was, my stomach turned with jealousy. I wanted her to look like that when she spoke of me, I wanted her to go on and on when she spoke about me just like she would with Jesse.

I hate him.

"Oh!" She exclaimed.

I blinked, exiting my trance.