their caregiver | billie eilish

18

"Don't," I seethed, pushing Billie's hands away from me and turning around. "I just need a minute." I managed to get out through rugged breaths.

My arms wrapped around my body, crossing over my chest. My fingers prodded and pulled at my sides, digging into the fabric of the sweater, desperately trying to find skin.

Billie reached out for me, her hand finding its way to my shoulder as she tried to get me to turn back to her.

"Tell me how to help." She spoke gently.

I shrugged her hand off, stepping farther away. "You can't."

She stepped closer.

"I can, please, just talk to-"

"No!" I shouted, turning to face her as I did.

Her worried face slowly dissipated into one of hurt and longing. Her eyes sunk towards the floor and she stepped back. Her once parted lips closed and she gulped, turning her eyes away from me.

I reached for her hand with mine. Like feathers, I picked her hand up and held it towards me. She didn't move, her hand tense.

"I didn't mean to shout." I whispered, regret laced in my voice. "I was scared, that's no excuse."

Her chest rose and fell with her deep breathing, but her eyes still didn't reach mine.

"please say something." I begged, my eyes welling with tears that didn't belong to me.

Slowly, she looked back at me.

"You hurt my feelings." She said, a hint of grain in her voice.

"I know." I told her honestly.

My left hand unconsciously held tighter onto her right and I closed the space between us, raising my right hand and placing it against the side of her face. Her breath shuttered in response, her eyes locked onto mine. Her porcelain skin felt so delicate and warm against my palm. My thumb grazed her cheek, wiping off the tear that had escaped from her eyes.

"It won't happen again." I promised.

Her lips curled up and she let out a small laugh, scrunching her eyes before letting them relax again. "And I'm supposed to be taking care of you." She commented, but leaned into my hand, laughing again.

I smiled subtly, still trying to recover from my slip. "Yeah, well... everyone needs to be taken care of." I said, retracting my hands and backing up again.

Her eyes followed me and her lips parted as she hesitated to speak.
"You regressed?" She asked, looking for confirmation.

I looked back down at the floor.
"No," I answered. "but almost."

"I guess this wouldn't have been the most comfortable place to do so."

"No."

"Are you okay?" She repeated her first question, more delicately this time.

I nodded. "Mhm."

"That didn't sound too convincing." She said.

I couldn't find a well crafted response and decided to ignore her comment.
"We should go back."

"Hey," she interrupted, stopping me from opening the stall door. "Don't be afraid to lean on me. I care about you, I want you to feel comfortable."

How could I respond to that?

"They'll be worried." was all I managed to say after a few moments of silence and searching.

Billie only exhaled through her nose, her face softening and her lips curling up into a hopeless smile.
"You're right. Let's go back."