My Light, My Jimin

Chapter 30: Tutor Sessions

JIMIN

No matter which way I look at things, it all feels hopeless. 

Maybe I should run straight to Yoongi's room right now and tell him everything, specifically the part where his teacher-friend, Namjoon, is looped in my never-ending lie that has grown too big, overflowing and swallowing me whole. 

But what would he do?

When he finds out I'm the one who caused the discord between them, the one who planted the idea that Namjoon had something to do with our stunts we pull, what would he say to me, the one who carried his secrets and tossed them to the wind?  The thought of telling Yoongi and having him hate me, or worse, having him find out after Eomma makes a scene, is like razor blades slicing my insides.

And then my mind reels back to when it was just us.  Sweet, gentle Yoongi who has never done anything wrong other than fall in love with me.  I can't help but wonder how different his life would be if it weren't for me. 

I make the decision to spend every minute of tonight trying to convince him that I did this out of my own panic, that this is my fault and I'm going to make it right somehow.  We'll find another way to be together.

Taking a deep breath, I stand from the bench and make it to the stairway that leads to Professor Kim's class.  I'm sure he doesn't know about me hiding in Yoongi's office during the Halloween party, but I don't have a perfected poker face to make it look like I don't know anything.  I reach out and turn the doorknob, peeking my head in to see Professor Kim at his desk and Hoseok sitting at his seat.

I hesitate before walking in, a large part of me aching to run.  One look at me and he'd know.  And I'm not certain how long I'd be able to hold back before breaking down and crying in front of yet another teacher. 

I make my way inside and walk to my desk when Hoseok looks up from the scattered, yet colorfully organized papers.  He looks up and grins at me.  I'm happy to see him, and I'm happy that at least someone is smiling at me, but the sight of him causes a crack in my shielded smile. 

He doesn't notice, and I don't let him as I sit down and pretend to rummage through my backpack for a pencil. 

"Are we still on for lunch on Thursday?" He asks.  "I've been craving beef bulgogi ever since you posted that picture of the Korean BBQ place you went with your Eomma."  He points a finger at me dramatically.  "Curse you for screwing up my meal plans.  I hope you're happy."

"What?  Oh.  Right, I'm sorry."

Hoseok's smile drops.  "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I chuckle through the ache. 

His brow arches.  "Yeah, I got that when you decided to ghost my texts.  Again."

Honestly, I hadn't even thought about Hoseok.  The last time we rode together was after the Halloween party when I was trying with everything I had to keep from crying out loud.  It was such a stressful night that I'm not sure if I said goodbye to him.  "Shit, Hoseok.  I'm so sorry."

He purses his lips and I see his head bob.  It isn't a full nod, but he's not heartless.  "I figured you needed time after that hangover, but I didn't expect you to just ditch me like that."  He swings his legs over where he's facing me.  "Now tell me what's wrong."

My teeth clench to keep the truth from spilling off my tongue, but he sees right through me.  I'm not even sure why I bothered in the first place. 

"I looked everywhere for you at the party," he says.  "You weren't outside, and I made sure to go around the back because maybe you were stuck somewhere, but it was like you disappeared.  And to top it off, you freaked the fuck out of me when you looked scared.  You had me rushing out of there like you witnessed a murder and then smiled and pretended like I was the one going crazy."