My Light, My Jimin

Chapter 42: Independence

JIMIN

I tell Eomma that I'm moving.

I could tell that she didn't want me to leave on a whim, and because I never spelled out the reason why, she had more reasons to suspect me. I remembered the way her muscles in the side of her jaws twitched, the way it always does when she holds back what she wants to say.

But it's something I need to do regardless. Because the way I feel about Yoongi will never go away; he's my first love, and despite everything I've heard from people who mean well, he's never going to be erased from my life.

I sat in the kitchen with Eomma that night, watching her weep. "I know," I said, "I failed you."

"No," she said, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "You didn't fail me. Or if you did, then I did, too."

It wasn't exactly forgiveness, more of a truce. But that was fine with me.

We've waited until after my twentieth birthday, and now my stomach is spiky with nerves as I load my suitcase into Hoseok's van. Months have passed without Yoongi, and I'm afraid to look at my reflection in the mirror. I've changed- my youthful face grown up and gone. I hope he still recognizes me.

I look at Hoseok, expectant, instead of at Eomma who is standing at the doorway.

"Well?" he asks me. "Having second thoughts?"

I take one last look at Eomma. Diamonds rest upon her lashes, and I smile, blow her a kiss, and climb in. "Let's go."

My hands don't start shaking until we're driving out into the city, but I pull out my phone and find the picture I downloaded from Professor Kim Namjoon. It's nothing but an address and nerves and hope exploding in my chest. I'm on the edge of my seat for the entire ride, wondering what I'll say when I see him, or if he even wants to see me at all.

Time moves slower when you're anxious to start something new, but eventually, it does move.

Hoseok and I are silent for miles until he finally speaks up. "So how long are you planning to be gone for?"

I lift my shoulders. "Hopefully for a while."

He looks at me, then back at the road. "Is this because of the whole lockdown deal? Because if you have people throwing shade your way, I'll step on them and make it look like a dance move."

I laugh lightly. "I don't need a dance battle. This is just for reasons I want to pursue. It's something I want to do, and I figured it was time for me to see the world." And to see the man I love.

Hoseok smirks. "Truth?"

I lick my lips and then look out the window, taking mental pictures and storing them for when I get homesick. "Yeah."

"I like your new style. You know, back when I first met you, I was annoyed with how much you constantly apologized for things that weren't even your fault."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Be careful."

He laughs at my threat. "I'm serious. I thought it would take a while before you either loosened up or start to realize that most people don't deserve your sympathy." He sighs. "And when you were found outside after the lockdown, my first thought was Oh my god, he's alive! Because all I could think about while being stuck in that library was the last thing we said, about how I thought you were on drugs of all things."

I scoff. "Maybe drugs would have been easier to deal with."

"Hey, don't joke about that," he says. "All I want to say is you look better. Well, no, not better. Just. . . a different version of you that looks more confident."