Comeback

~ Chapter 16 ~

Chapter 16
Thursday August 25th
Lennon's POV

I wish I could feel happy about the fact that I do not have to go to work today, and I'm child-free until the evening. Unfortunately, I'm not. I'm all alone right now in my house and without the actual obligation to my job or my kids to get out of bed, I haven't. As always I woke up this morning and got the kids ready for their day and sent them off to daycare, but the second I got back home I went and laid back in bed and that's where I've been since 6:30 this morning.

Doing nothing has without a doubt sent my mind into circles, and quite a depressive funk. Everything from yesterday just came flooding back to me the moment I wasn't distracted by the twin's crying or Theo's wants, and it's awful. I have made it my goal for the last 6 months to focus on simply just being able to survive each day and get through it, but now I feel like I can't even do that. Each and every day I'm drowning in my own grief and on top of that I feel like waves of Theo's sadness and breakdowns crash down on top of me making it impossible to get up.

Of course, I'm not blaming Theo for that. It's just becoming increasingly more difficult to keep both of our heads above water. And then because of that, I begin to feel guilty and stuck in my own head about failing Theo or letting him down.

Then there's Harry. While I'm drowning, he's the guy who comes over and thinks offering you a stick to hold onto and pull yourself out is going to help. Harry probably thinks he's doing me some huge favor by returning here and wanting to step up as a father, but in reality he's unknowingly made everything worse for me.

After the shock and betrayal of Harry's departure, I didn't think he was going to comeback. Of course in the beginning I wanted him to, and I yearned for it, but once I found my footing and knew that I could do it, I didn't think or even want the day where he shows up to even happen.

Now I'm stuck with making a decision, one that I thought I wasn't going to have to make, and more importantly, a decision that I have no idea how. There's so many if's and buts, and unknowns.

What If I let Harry back in and then he leaves again? What if Theo doesn't understand? If I choose to let Harry be involved in his life, does he think he's going to swoop in and immediately be 'dad' again? Does he think he'll get immediate privileges to make decisions about Theo's life? Will he be able to understand that Theo does have a father in Hudson, and that might not change? There's just so many questions circling my brain at a million miles an hour, and I can't make them stop. All the unfamiliar things are scary to me, and I feel like I can't even come to a decision without knowing the answers to my questions. I wish I was able to see the future's Theo would have with Harry in it and without, so I could feel a little more in control of the situation.

The reality of it is whatever decision I make will greatly impact Theo's life, whether it's immediate or in the future. If I let Harry back in, Theo's world, majorly for the 3rd time will be impacted. A man, a stranger to Theo, will just now be here. Right now. When Theo is already trying to comprehend what happened to his dad and why he is no longer with us. It's a rough time to try and introduce Theo to something new when his life has changed so much this year already. Along with Hudson's passing, Theo also became an older brother this year, which is a huge change in a toddler's life, to not just 1 but 2 babies.

However, If I refuse Harry's wish to weasel his way back into our life, then Theo won't know who Harry is until many years from now when Theo is a bit older and begins to ask questions. I know the day will come when Theo gets curious about his childhood, and I owe it to him to be honest about the situation. Hearing what happened will just as greatly hit Theo down the line. Then there's the fear of Theo wishing he would've known sooner, and why did I keep them apart from each other?