Comeback

~ Chapter 49 ~

Chapter 49
Thursday November 10th
Harry's POV

I Relapsed.

Since the moment I woke up from whatever unconscious state I was in and Lennon told me what had happened, I've hated myself ever since.

The first thought that came to my mind when I woke up in a hospital was that something bad had happened that involved the kids. The crushing realization that maybe we were involved in a car crash or something similar crossed my mind, and I desperately needed Lennon to tell me the kids were okay. I knew that Lennon couldn't handle anymore loss.

The last thought that would cross my mind was that I relapsed. I've really been keeping myself together since I stopped drinking. I still do get those familiar feelings in my stomach that make me want to reach for a bottle, but I've learned how to push those urges aside and maintain my sobriety. Taking a walk really helps clear my head and keep myself composed so I don't make the big mistake.

Aside from those uncommon times the urges rise, I've been proud of myself for how strong I've been with giving up drinking. It was really hard in the beginning, especially since I heavily relied on it for 2 and a half years, but I pushed through and finally got to a point that I felt confident to return to Theo's life. I only showed up on Lennon's doorstep because I felt I had a handle on it, the last thing I wanted to do was return with a major problem, one that I knew Lennon would have no tolerance for anyways.

That's why it was the most devastating thing in the world when Lennon had told me what I had done.

The total disgust was written on her face, it was the same way she looked at me years ago as she slammed a dinner plate during one of our biggest fights. The same way she looked at me countless of times as I drunkenly screamed at her with our baby sleeping in the next room.

I worked so hard on myself to not be that person anymore, the person that treated the woman I love like she was nothing. But the way she was looking at me as I lay in this hospital bed yesterday brought me right back to the utter disappointment mess I was when I was 20 years old.

I never wanted to be that man again, I never wanted Lennon to look at me like that again.

And here I am.

One day sober in a hospital room.

And regretfully, the familiar pit was back in my stomach, throwing all my progress away.

I found myself wanting to drink to drown out the big problem at hand and the letdown that I felt about Lennon taking Theo away from me. Although my fight to fix this had to be stronger than my want for alcohol.

I also cried.

I begged her to stay yesterday, to not leave the hospital room, and the look on her face before she turned around and walked away is engrained in my brain. I guess now I truly understand the weight of how she felt when I was gone, because it was the most awful thing to lay here as she walked away from me and shut the door on me.

I cried about Tuesday being the last time I'll see Theo, and how this time I didn't get to say goodbye to him. When I left, I snuck into his room in the morning and gently kissed his forehead as he slept and whispered to him how sorry I was and that I loved him so much. I didn't make it too long, the dread of what I was doing was already weighing me down and I had to make it quick so I didn't burst into tears.

This time, I'm being taken from him and I don't even get to see his face one last time.

I know Lennon wouldn't allow it.

I was lucky enough to get Lennon to forgive me once for all of what I had down, I'd be stupid to think she'll forgive me again.

And yet that didn't stop me from calling her 87 times last night.