Hold On Till May

Covered in Blood, Last Seen in San Francisco

Lindsay's POV

My eyes twitched open and I was overwhelmed by the grogginess. It took a moment for me to come to my senses and I felt something burning under my hand. My eyes shot open when I realized who it was.

Jaime.

Jaime was lying next to me. What the hell? No! I love Tony! I didn't do that! I was suddenly confronted with pure disgust for myself. I jumped out of the shameful bed and Jaime's eyes peacefully fluttered open.

"Lindsay!" he started. "I'm so sorry. You were just whimpering in your sleep last night and I couldn't take it! Nothing happened. It's all my fault! You didn't do anything. Don't worry sweetheart it's all fine..."

"No!" I hissed. "It's not fine! I was crying last night about the love of my life leaving me all because I kissed you and your solution is to crawl into bed with me?!" I demanded. My body was filled with rage.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Sorry?!" I screamed. "You're sorry?! He's gone! Don't said you're fucking sorry for me! I don't want sympathy I want Tony back!"

"I know..." he mumbled. Tears burned in my eyes. Why do I always have to cry when I'm mad? How dare he say he knows. How could he know? How could he know?

I had a million things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to scream and cry and tell him how much I loved him. It was disgusting how I loved him. Jaime was the moon and the stars...but Tony was my galaxy. He was everything to me.

I wanted to scream in frustration. Instead I skittered backwards and flew down the steps. Mikes eyes blinked awake on the couch and I heard two people following me on the steps. Jaime and Vic.

They were fast, but if was faster. In a baggy BMTH shirt and shorts I climbed into my car and forced the keys into the ignition. The car roared to life and I shot down the driveway.

I drove all the way across town. I drove to the beach and even further. I drove to the edge of the woods, forcing myself not to cry. I sat in the car for a moment taking everything into consideration. My mind was exhausted and my eyes seared with pain from the boiling hot tears being held inside.

I closed my eyes and took in a long slow breath. I walked inside the woods until I found a certain tree. I couldn't help but sob. I let all the emotions flow out. I shakily scrambled up the tree and attempted to get my breathing under control. "I ruined it Luke," I choked out. "I ruined it."

I always felt Luke was with me in this tree. I could feel the welcoming safety of his arms wrap around my shivering body. "I'm so sorry," I kept sobbing. I wished he was here to help. I clung to the tree for dear life and began screaming. "COME BACK LUKE! I NEED YOU, I FUCKING NEED YOU! PLEASE! KILL ME INSTEAD IM WORTHLESS, PLEASE COME BACK."

I don't know how long I stayed in the tree. Maybe minutes...hours...days. It was my hidden place. I prayed the emptiness from Tony's disappearance couldn't reach me here, but I should've known better. At least up here I couldn't make Vic, Mike, and Jaime take care of me. I already ruined their tour and maybe even band. I needed to stop ruining everything.

Maybe if I stayed up here long enough I'd just die. Hell, why should I have to wait? I pondered the thought. What's stopping me from jumping off the cliff right now? Not Tony. Not Luke. Vic and Mike didn't need me and Jaime sure as hell didn't. I had no family. If I'm lucky I might even get to be with Luke. Why shouldn't I?

I jumped down from the tree and was greeted with a burning pain in my legs and arms. Hunger clawed at my stomach and the wind bit at my cold shoulders. I ignored it all. Nothing was worse then the pain inside me.

I walked peacefully to the cliff. This is it. I gazed down at the rocks below my bare feet. I didn't get shoes while running. I didn't even care. I took a step across the smooth, freezing rock. I took another step and glanced longingly at the crashing, viscous waves below. Despite the freezing temperatures, I heard a warm voice in my head.

"Please stop Lindsay," pleaded a familiar voice.

"Luke?!" I choked out. "Where are you?!"

"Don't end it Linds," he begged. "It'll be okay. I promise."

"But I fucked it all up!" I cried. Cold tears ran down my cheeks and my teeth chattered. "I met our heros! I met them and I ruined them! I fucked up the one thing you wanted me to do! I mess everything up. I made mom leave and made dad drink which is why...y-y-you died!" I sobbed and sobbed.

"You did a bad thing," he agreed. "That doesn't make you a bad person."

I lifted a cold, blue hand and roughly wiped away the tears. "B-but I-I have to die."

"No you don't. Trust me, killing yourself is the dumbest thing you'll ever do." Even in my mind...or whatever the hell this is...he had a sense of humor.

"What do I do?" I mumbled. "There's nothing left..."

"Go back to them," he answered. "They love you. You can't leave them. It'll destroy them...even Tony."

"But-"

"But nothing!" he demanded. "I'm dead! I know more then you."

I fell down on to my knees and screamed because I knew he was right. I had to go back. "I-I'm sorry..." I sobbed. I took a final glance at the raging water. I beat my hands against the rock until I ran out of energy.

Then I stood up. I walked across the jagged stones. I picked some flowers from the ground and left them at the base of Luke's tree. I walked back to my car and drove back to Vic's house in agonizing silence, only then realizing the cuts that covered my feet and knees and hands.

I walked right into the house without knocking. Mike was passed out at the kitchen table beside a bottle of whiskey. Vic must've been behind the blaring noise coming from the recording room. I could only assume it was Jaime that was sobbing a sad song in my bedroom. I pictured him curled up in my room...and I suddenly felt very ghost like, or many like an intruder. I felt this was not the same place. This is what I did.

"Tony?" I finally called out with a slight bit of hope.

Mike didn't move. Vic couldn't hear me. Jaime definitely couldn't hear me over the sound of his pained cries. He was probably up in my room detesting me for ruining his band, his tour, his life.

"Tony?" I asked again. With no answer, I decided to go clean up all the blood before greeting the rest of Pierce The Veil. I couldn't describe the uneasy feeling in my stomach as the doorknob turned and the door creaked open. Tony was bathing in red water.

His eyes were horrified, but locked on mine as he slid a sharp piece of metal deep into his arm. "No! Stop!" I screamed. My bloody feet took off into a sprint as I fell down beside the tub and pried the blade from his hand.

I hated it for hurting Tony. I clutched it my hand out of anger and didn't even feel it cutting into my palm. I launched it across the room in disgust. I held on tight to his hand as I drained the bloody water from the tub. Climbing into the blood stained, porcelain chamber, I examined his arm more closely.

I had caught him in time. Only 3 cuts, not too deep. None of them requiring stitches. I reached over him gently and snagged a piece of toilet paper. I soaked up the blood from his arm and tossed it in the trash can. I placed my lips softly on his cheek. "Don't ever cut."

He was silent and I knew I had to get both of us cleaned up. I forced myself to look at the blood still dripping from his arm. I forced myself to look at what I caused. "Darling..." I mumbled. "You'll be okay."

---AN---

Yeah yeah, I feel like this really sucks. Should I quit writing it? Sorry for wasting your time if I do. But yeah, darling you'll be okay as in hold on till May as in the title of this book. I really wanted to do something where it wasn't Tony coming to save her and help her...but Lindsay taking care of him and being forced to realize she does mean a lot to him. Thanks for reading. Hopefully I'll update sometime soon.
-Silently_screaming13