Moonlight [Nikolai Lantsov]

The Past

And she sailed the seas , by her side , Nikolai Lantsov . He kept her secret , she kept his  . 
Most people in his crew taught her many things about sailing, she adapted pretty quickly, and then they were on their way to Novyi Zem, strangely.
Both, Inara and Nikolai were somehow close, with their comments and ways of speaking to one another, he always spoke to her about a plan before 'confirming it'.
She always found him behind her or besides her, she knew most of his crew especially Tolya and Tamar.
Both were Grisha but didn't grow up like one, they looked very similar.
Tolya read poetry all day and night, sometimes she would hear him near her reading on of the poems in his books as she stood near the helmsman.
She liked the poetry but her mind was filled with them already.

Nikolai introduced her as a healer.

And when she wasn't in the infirmary healing she sat outside playing cards with Tamar and others.

The day where they had to fetch the Sun Summoner arrived and they were near Novyi Zem.
"With all respect Tolya, you're giving me a headache. It's not that I don't like what you're reading, no, no. But sometimes silence is," Ianra smiled and looked at the sky "as good as poetry".
He elbowed her in a jokeful way before speaking.
"Admit that you hate my poetry".

"I love it, I promise. I just over thing a lot and everything is on top of another thing".

"I get that feeling, but poetry if the cure to everything, it's nothing poetry can't fix, Inara ".
"Even if you're sad?"
"Even if you're sad". He answered.
"Even if you get stabbed?"
"Even if yo-" he elbowed her once again.
"Don't".

She laughed and he walked away with a smile on his face, in the meanwhile, Nikolai was looking from afar.
He noticed how she never got too close to anyone physically as if she were scared to contaminate it.
But whoever talked to her walked away with a smile in the end, that night they were sitting in his office.

"What do you need to tell me, Nikolai?" she only called him by his name when alone, and she would always keep her tone low.
"I guess you don't know why we're going to Novyi Zem?"

"I don't recall you telling me".
And before he spoke she spoke "And I don't recall you telling me why you had to go to Ketterdam, losing faith in me, Nikolai?" she gave him a slight smile tilting her head as he leaned on the desk.
"Kaz Brekker". Her heart stopped for a reason, Kaz Brekker.
"Kaz Brekker? You spoke to Kaz Brekker?"

"You seem surprised rather than confused, you know him?"
"Let's say we had a small meeting".

"He had a friend with him-"

"Jesper Fahey?"

"Do you know all Ketterdam?"
She looked down at her hands before looking up "If you put it like that, then yes."

The past was past right?

"I just come to realize that, I know so little of you, Vensik, and you know so much of me".
She felt the air thicken and suddenly she was there again.
Unable to be in her own skin.
"If you're from Ravka, why were you in Ketterdam?"

"Have you ever heard anything of slavers? The Menagerie? Tante Heleen?"

His eyes soften, she went to grab a chair pushing it far away before sitting on it.
He looked confused about something.
"What is the Menagerie? Who is Heleen?"
Saints help me please.
How could she even pronounce the words without feeling ashamed?
She never let it be a problem because the past is past, but she felt a foolish at her pounding heart in her chest when she spoke about it.

" If you don-"

"Tante Heleen, uh, she owns the Menagerie, I was fifteen, on the deck of the slaver ship she stripped me and examined my body to purchase me by bartering with the slavers, she forced me and many other girls to sign an indenture contract, coercing to prostitution.
The night of the job, was the night I escaped, Kaz Brekker helped me but instead lured me into a trap by sending me to Jahzara Fajra.
That man would do anything from money. "

Nikolai sat there, there were no snarly remarks nor comments, his eyes stayed soft, for a moment if he did not know her, he would have thought she were careless, the look in her eyes said otherwise, he stayed where he was and gave her his most gentle smile. She stood up and took a step forward.
"You are a brave woman".
Her head snapped up at his words, she was not about to deny that.
He waited for her to say something but since she didn't, he spoke anyways "but so overly confide-" he tried to say in a jokeful way.
"Shut up, I'm not going to deny what you said, Nikolai. I'm not overly confident, I know my worth and value, I-"

"Your actions say otherwise".
He wished to take that back.
She looked confused and asked "What do you mean? About my worth and value?" her voice was calm.

He stayed silent, cursing himself in his head.
He touched his forehead with his hands before dropping it to his side as he choked on his words.
Nikolai Lantsov chocking on his words, never thought I would see that.

"Yes. What you said to me explains your actions ,"he began to take a step forward as he spoke causing Inara to take steps backward until her back hit the wall.
"You can't be ashamed of something that wasn't caused by you, Inara". She felt her throat burn. They both stared at one another's eyes before she looked down and made her way to the door.

"Goodnight, Lantsov".

She did not glance back but felt eyes on her and then a click as the door closed shut.
What did I do? Why did he ask? Why did I speak? Why do I feel like I contaminate whomever is near me ? Did he really figure that out ? On his own? 

She lay on her small , a miswak in her hands , chewing the top part of it unable to sleep , a few candles were lit, her bed was placed in a small room since there was no place where the crew slept  , the candles glow some part inside the room , why did she feel uneasy ? It didn't matter what Nikolai noticed or thought about her , she told herself she didn't care because what he thinks or not won't change who she is, happiness has been stripped away from her tight grasp at the ripe age of fifteen , it's past  she always told herself but what she called past , kept on haunting her during the day and during what were supposed to be sweet dreams.

I cried and was never punished for it , why now ?  It hurt , what is supposed to come with hurt if not tears?  Tante Heleen barged in the room when the man left . I want to go home I thought , I want mama to take me in her arms and soothe whatever bothered me away when I was still there , when I could hear mama's delicate voice and baba's laugh . I felt  my skin burning as if fire were placed on top of my body , starved flames . Tears were shed from my eyes and heard Tante Helleen raising her voice with every hit . "I told you not to cry , and I warned you about the consequences, lynx " was everyone a lynx here ?  I cried for mama and baba , I wanted to be in their embrace but the pain kept increasing and increasing until I felt no pain , I was numb . Then she went for the shoulders , arms , chest, hands . For the first time I longed for death , and then Heleen stopped grabbing my chin roughly  tilting my head up "If you cry again , I promise you it will be worse " . That night , the first night there , I cried as I fell asleep , calling for mama and baba until the pain took me away .

She felt someone shake her awake , her eyes wet and she refused to open her eyes, she couldn't, she felt trapped and she held onto a hand . As if it was that first night she spoke words so gently and delicately Nikolai Lantsov did not understand, but stayed with her nonetheless.