(The New) Power of the 8 Elements: Part One

Chapter Fifteen: Hurt

*TRIGGER WARNING*
CONTAINS SELF-HARM AND ABUSE
"You don't feel like you're hurting yourself when you're cutting. You feel like this is the only way to take care of yourself." - Marilee Strong
PRESENT DAY
THRAX

I wait until the sound of Lucifer's boots leaving the hallway is inaudible before I slam the door shut and break down crying. I immediately regret wearing mascara because I know that it's going to run, and I'll look like a mess. I can't look like a mess because that'll be embarrassing. It'll give Mom another reason to punish me. I can't do that. I can't do that. I can't do that.

"This is your fault. This is all your fault," I repeat to myself as I dig my nails into my skin.

I roll up my sleeves only to find little divots in my skin. That's not enough. Why isn't it enough? I open my drawers at my dresser and shovel through the blush containers, bottles of lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, and eyeshadow. I always keep the blade at the very bottom, so no one sees. No one can ever see. What happens if they do see? They're not going to care! No one's going to care because I'm a virus. That's all I am.

Viruses are criminals. Viruses can't do good in the world. Viruses can't fight for peace. Viruses can't have children. Viruses can't help people. Viruses can't go to college and get a degree and a good job. Viruses can't be gay.

I'm a criminal. I can't do good in the world. I can't fight for peace. I can't have children. I can't help people. I can't go to college and get a degree and a good job. I can't be gay. I can't show any kind of emotion. I can't be sad. I can't be! I have to show them that I'm tough! I can handle it. I can handle anything.

I drag the blade over my arm and watch as the blood seeps into my coat, but I don't care. This is the only way to show that I can be tough. I'm a freaking virus for crying out loud; I'm not weak. I shouldn't be weak. I need to be a criminal. Be a criminal, Thrax! Why can't you be a criminal? Why can't you hurt people? Why can't you kill people? How can you kill yourself if you can't kill people? You're a failure. You've always been a failure. Fix yourself. Fix everything about you. I bring the blade towards a strand of my hair and freeze. I stood right in the mirror, and I looked at myself.

I had mascara dripping down my face, blood on coat sleeves and on my hands, and a blade in one hand. Not this again. I did it...again. I cut myself again. I tried to fix myself again. I tried to cut my hair...again. I tried to be sober. I always try to be sober from doing this, but I can't help it. I can't help myself. I take off my coat and change into something that doesn't have blood on it. I then wrap my arms in gauze.

"BOYS, WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ONYX?!" screams a voice from downstairs.

Mom, of course. I stood up and went downstairs, trying to seem as casual as possible.

"You changed?" Lucifer asks, noticing that I was no longer wearing the single breasted suit. "Oh...yeah...I guess I was getting a little hot."

"Are you okay?"

I give him the thumbs-up, but deep down, I am not okay.

"Onyx told me that you've been saying some naughty things to her," Mom begins.

The two of us begin talking at once trying to explain to her that we weren't talking to her but rather each other, and that she must've been lying. However, of course "Mommy's perfect little angel" could never lie.

"Did you call her a lame*ss?"

"What? No!" I exclaim.

"He did, Mommy. It hurt my feelings," Onyx says.

Mom slaps me across the face, and I hit the ground. I look up at her terrified. She grabs my arm tightly right where I...

"Lucifer, go to your room. I'll talk to you later."

Lucifer nervously backs away and leaves.

"Tell the truth."

"Okay, I did! I called her a lame*ss."

"I knew it!" She pulls her hand away and recoils at the sight of the blood. Onyx squeals and runs off crying into Dad's arms who just now left the study.

"What's happening?" Dad asks.

"About to teach your son what happens when you make my daughter cry."

She drags me to the kitchen sink where she shoves my head into the dirty dish water. I try to pull my head out and gasp for air, coughing.

"Mom, please stop!"

"Neptune..." Dad begins.

"No, Proteus! He needs to learn his lesson." She whispers before plunging me into the sink water again, "I know you tried c*tting yourself again! Not in this family you won't. You disgrace! Utter failure!"

I can feel water filling my nose, and eventually she throws me to the side and storms upstairs to find Lucifer. I shiver as I watch her walk away. Onyx, face buried in Proteus' arms, glances at me with a smirk before walking away. My arm stings. My upper shoulder now begins to bleed from the pinching earlier. The new mascara that I had just put on is now running...again, and this time it looks even worse.

I can hear Lucifer screaming at Mom to let him go as she drags him down the downstairs and into the kitchen. He shouts at her in German. Some of it I can understand, and I know he's telling her that he'll do anything if she doesn't put him in the sink.

"Nein! Nein! Bitte! Ich werde alles machen! Bitte!" He shrieks. I've never seen someone so afraid in all my life. Lucifer, a usually calm and staid person, was now shrieking uncontrollably for her to let him go.

Despite his pleas, she did the same, shoving his face into the sink water and yelling at him that he did this to himself. I can only sob as I hear Mom shout at the both of us. She finally throws Lucifer to the side against the cabinets by the sink and scoffs.

"You sons of b*tches need to learn a thing or two! I am not your mother in this house! You two need to understand that you're not going to be able to get away with everything in life! One day you're going to be thrown in the ocean with a cinderblock tied to your effing leg! You might be able to fool around outside of this home, but inside?!" She stands up and walks away. "Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. Clean yourselves up. You better not smell like week-old salmon."

I pull Lucifer into a hug and away from the vile woman as she stormed off with her husband and blood child following her. At this point, I can't help but cry, and we both hold each other in our arms and cried.