Play with Fire

[December] 18

TRIGGER WARNING: The following chapter contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing and or/may not be suitable for younger readers. Including graphic description of depression and suicide. If you or a person you know are struggling with mental health problems, please contact the suicide prevention of your home country. Please don't be ashamed of facing those struggles and get the help you need.

USA:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Telephone: 1 800 273 TALK (8255)

The Trevor Project (for teens, friends, and family of the LGBT-Community)

Telephone: 1 866 488 7386

Germany:

Telefonseelsorge

Telephone: 0800 / 111 0 111, 0800 / 111 0 222 or 116 123

(for international helplines)

Hyungwon looked at himself in the mirror and tried to ignore his puffy face, the red nose and his swollen eyes. He wasn't able to stop crying, since his mom died. He felt as if someone had ripped out his heart and shattered it into pieces. He missed her like crazy. And he couldn't talk about it to anyone because no one understood what was going on inside of him. Sure, Hoseok was with him the whole time but he couldn't even talk to him. He felt so alone.

Today started the wake and would last for three days, before the funeral would be held. Hyungwon, as the Sangju, would be the one who was supposed to receive the condolences from friends and relatives. They will all bring some amount of money, to take place in paying the funeral and everything around it, including the wake. Staying at the wake also meant, returning to the place, where his mom died. While thinking about this a shiver ran down his spine. He didn't want to return to the hospital, but it was his duty and he had to do it, even though his whole body resist it.

He looked at himself one last time and fixed his bow tie and the armband around his right upper arm. The he tried to look strong, but even a blind person could easily see, that the boy was everything but strong in that moment. He turned away from the mirror and stepped out of his room. Hoseok was already waiting for him in the living room, also completely dressed in a black suit. Another hard way they both had to walk along and even though they were together, each of them had to walk this path alone. They both looked at each other and nodded, before taking out the umbrella, stepping out of the apartment and shortly after driving to the hospital. During the couple of days since his mom had died, it had started to snow. Hyungwon looked out of the window, following the snowflakes with his eyes. His mom had always loved it when it firstly started to snow in December. Then she had always grabbed Hyungwon by his hand, walking around the park, that was next to their apartment, dancing in excitement. She loved Christmas and the days before it. And then Hyungwon realized that he, for the first time, would be spending Christmas eve without her. A single tear rolled down his cheeks and he whipped it away.

After twenty minutes, Hoseok parked the car in the underground garage of the hospital and Hyungwon stepped out of the car. They walked to the elevator, who would bring them up to the main entrance. While Hoseok asked for the mourning hall, Hyungwon looked up the enormous Christmas tree in the middle of the entrance. Everything was decorated with warm lights and Christmas bulbs and under the tree were fake presents placed, so that it looked like a normal Christmas tree. After a while he realized that Hoseok was standing next to him, watching him. "Beautiful, isn't it?" Hyungwon shrugged his shoulders and turned away from the tree. "Come with me, it's down the hall." He followed Hoseok and lowered his head to avoid looking at the families, that sat around the hall, talking to each other, or just drinking coffee, while waiting.