Play with Fire

[October] 8

Hoseok walked from one side of his office to the other. Nervous as hell and still reproaching himself for being that stupid and actually kissing Hyungwon.

How could he be that dumb?! He entangled and disentangled his fingers over and over again when a soft knock on his door brought him back to reality.

"Come in."

He sat down at his desk and the door opened. Hyungwon looked into the room, obviously nervous as well but also trying hard to hide his smile when his eyes met the older's. Hoseok pointed at the seat in front of his desk and tried to smile warmly at the boy to take away a bit of his nervousness. Even though he himself wasn't better in that case.

"Please, take a seat."

The boy sat down but hesitated to look at Hoseok. The older took a deep breath and looked at Hyungwon. Trying to fight down the memories which came back immediately after the boy had walked into the room.

The memories of his soft and plump lips against his own. The taste. And the feelings that had boiled in Hoseok's stomach as soon as his lips had touched Hyungwon's. He had felt... happy. And even though it was beyond appropriated, it somehow had felt right. It felt like something he was supposed to do since the day of his birth. Unknowingly.

"Hyungwon. Listen."

Finally the boy raised his head and looked at Hoseok directly. True fear speaking from his eyes. The fear to loose something he had just found. But besides fear their was also something else. It took Hoseok a while to figure it out. He was proud. He was extremly proud of himself. Proud that he had provoked Hoseok enough so that he finally did what he had done.

"Hyungwon, we should talk about what had happened today. The kiss... It wasn't my intention nor my wish to kiss you. I don't know why I did it. But it doesn't matter. It was wrong. Completely wrong. And I regret it. I truly do."

The fear in Hyungwon's eyes increased and now also showed on his face. His lips were a thin line and his complexion did changed from the healthy golden tone to white and then to ashy. His hands trembled and he tried to hide them in his pockets. But Hoseok had still seen them. And it hurted him to see the boy like this. But it was necessary. He was about to loose every single distance. Hyungwon needed to stop. And Hoseok too since he played along with the mind games of the boy.

"I know you like me. I did realised that. And I know that you have feelings for me. Otherwise you wouldn't have kissed me today. I won't tell you to forget the feelings you have for me because I know that wouldn't help nor will they go away just because I said so. But we need to keep a distance. You are my student, I'm your teacher. It's not healthy. For none of us. It could ruin your career and it could, no it will cost me my job if anyone's assuming something. Do you understand that?"

Hoseok looked at Hyungwon, who had during Hoseoks speech lowered his gaze and now focused on his pants and the material of which they were made of. He slowly nodded but couldn't find the courage to look up and face Hoseok. And then Hoseok noticed the small wet point on the fabric of his pants. Another one followed soon after. The boy was crying and it broke Hoseok's heart. And before he even realised what he did, he stood up and walked around the table only to sink down on his knees in front of Hyungwon, taking him into an tight embrace.

Hyungwon wrapped his arms around Hoseok, holding onto the older one's shirt. Crying silently into the fabric. But even though he never actually let out any sounds, Hoseok could still feel the sobs that went through his body. At some point he carefully started to caress Hyungwon's back to calm him down a little bit. And it worked. After some time the boy had completely calmed down and break loose from Hoseok's embrace. Only his red eyes and his swollen face gave hints of how much he'd actually cried. Hoseok smiled warmly at him and wiped away the last tears before he took out some tissues from his pocket and gave it to Hyungwon.

"I know how you feel. Those kind of feelings are extremly strong and confusing. Especially for someone as young as you. But you will learn to control them. You need to find someone your age. Someone who can make you happy, who can live up to you and your needs and expectations. Someone who will love you the way you are."

He watched the boy carefully, to see if he had understood the things Hoseok said.

"And this person isn't me, Hyungwon. It was never and it will never be me. I will never feel the same for you as you did for me. I'm really sorry."

Hoseok attempted to stand up when suddenly some kind of energy shot through Hyungwon. He grabbed Hoseok's hands and held them tightly. His eyes were full of fear and despair. He forced Hoseok to kneel down again.

"Please, don't. Don't do that to me. Don't keep me at a distance. I can't... I must see you every day. It just doesn't work otherwise. My body... He needs your presence. I know it sounds crazy and it is but it's the truth. I need you for me to be sane."

Again, tears started running down his cheeks and his voice broke. The grip onto Hoseok's hands tightened even more, showing how desperate the younger truly was. He did loved Hoseok. It was obvious.

"Hyungwon, I-"

But the younger just shook his head to silence his teacher. And Hoseok stopped.
Again, playing along with the younger's orders.

"I know it's risky. I know it can ruin my career and you can loose your job. But... I do love you. From the bottom of my heart. And I know that you feel something too. Because you kissed me first. And you wouldn't do that if you wouldn't have some kind of feelings for me. I'll promise to keep it a secret. Please, don't leave me. I need you. I love you..."

But even though Hyungwon's words moved him and also let the feelings he had for the boy come up again, Hoseok remained strong and shook his head. He tried to stand up again and this time Hyungwon let him. But after Hoseok's hands had left Hyungwon's, the younger collapsed mentally. Only one little word left his lips, but so low that Hoseok had to focus to understand it.

"Hoseok..."

And then Hyungwon jumped up and ran out of the office, leaving the door open. Hoseok followed him until the door, looking after the boy running down the long hallway.

"HYUNGWON!!"

But the boy didn't respond. He didn't even reacted to his name and the last thing Hoseok saw was his jacket when he took the corner and flee from the school. Flee from Hoseok. From the embarrassment. From his feelings. From everything.

Hoseok walked back to his desk and let himself fall into his seat. He sighed deeply and hid his face behind his hands. What had he done?