A Court of Innocents

22: Monster

At the end of another hall, a stone veranda showcased three chairs and a small glass table. In the center was a glorious spread of meats, cheeses, and pastries. Azriel took his seat with the ease of someone who had done this before, in this exact place and in this exact way. I, on the other hand, hadn't stepped one foot inside the Moonstone Palace before a few days ago, and I took in the intimate space with new eyes. I only processed half the details, though. I didn't have the energy to care about the pillars and open space that looked out at the mountains beyond. Didn't have the heart to note the beauty of this place.

I took the seat across from Azriel. His gaze was heavy on me, but I couldn't bring myself to meet it. Instead, I took my time filling my plate, grateful to have something to do with my hands. A few minutes ticked away in heavy silence, but even the distraction of adding food to my plate couldn't last forever.

I at last looked back at him—and found nothing but darkness swirling in his eyes. The shadows were impenetrable around him, thicker than they ever were when I was around, and I couldn't help but wonder if they were there as a precaution. A shield between him and the threat of a child of Autumn with powers she didn't know or understand.

Reckless. That's what I was. Reckless and dangerous, even to the people I'd die to protect.

I glanced back down at my plate, and as the smoky scent of the steak hit me, my stomach turned over. It had been days since I'd eaten a decent meal. And yet I still had no appetite.

Across the table, Azriel splayed his hands wide. Hands that were almost always veiled in fingerless gloves, but were now bare, revealing burned arms and wrists and fingers—marks that ran deeper than any other scar. "I'll tell you anything you want to know."

He had retained a semblance of composure since our meeting in the hallway. His voice no longer cracked, and the emotion written across his face... it was no longer vulnerable. That face was the blank, unreadable mask he wore for everyone else. The few times he had looked at me like that before, I'd wanted to give anything to know what he was thinking.

But now...

Now I just wanted him to stop dissecting me with his eyes. I couldn't breathe under that stare.

I turned his offer over in my mind, knowing that it would be so easy to get answers about what happened in that cabin. I opened my mouth. No words came out. And I realized... perhaps I wasn't ready to know what had happened. Perhaps I needed more time before the full understanding of why everyone had been looking at me with hesitation and worry sunk in.

I tried again. "I've never seen you play."

He tended to drift towards a piano whenever he saw it in public, and I knew he had one in his secret apartment in the city. But I'd never heard him play it before, never knew just how skilled he was at it. If I wasn't falling apart at the seams, I would have stayed and listened to his song, would have watched with awe, and asked him to play another when he finished. Because the way he played... it was gifted. Stunning. And if I was capable of feeling anything at all, I have no doubt that my chest would have tightened, and tears would have filled my eyes as the notes moved the air around us.

Azriel said, "I don't do it often, and never when people are watching."

"But you played for me."

He was silent long enough that I looked back at him. "But I played for you."

And I had slammed that door on him. Shut that beautiful sound out.

Just one more thing to swallow me whole.

"How long have you been here?" I asked, desperate for a change of topic.

"Three days."

As long as me, then.