Broken Pieces

CHAPTER {4}

AKARI

Anger.

A very occurring emotion for me. Sometimes I act without thought. But yet I still feel relieved afterwards. I took out an already loose floorboard and smashed it on the wall, breaking it in half. I was panting.

Soon enough the adrenaline had worn off and pain coursed through every part of my body. I dropped to my knees and whimpered in agony. I was bleeding. My stitches had opened up. I grunt as I stood up and limped towards the bathroom, under the sink and got a first aid kit.

I clumsily stitched back my arms, as my hands were shaking from the immense pain I was currently feeling, and wrapped them in gauze. I let out a breath as I finished and I put back the first aid kit where it previously was.

I never liked having these outbursts because I always broke something and always got me into trouble. But I tried everything to make it go away. I tried taking deep breaths whenever I was angry. I failed. I tried to distract myself. I failed. I thought back to what had happened minutes ago.

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'I know you're angry-' she begins but I cut her off, "Of course I'm angry." I say through gritted teeth. I was standing in front of her. 'Akari, please listen to me. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I should have been a better mother to you. You didn't deserve what I put you through.' She says with a sincere look painted on her face.

"Stop calling me 'Akari' that's not my name. You never gave it to me and you're dead, aren't you? What good is your apology?" I say finally looking up at her after staring at her closed journal. 'Ak-' she begins but I cut her off.

"You don't get to die and apologize. What you did to me, what I did to myself, you can't take back. Sorry isn't going to erase the scars. Sorry isn't going to bring back my innocence. Sorry isn't going to change the fact that you were a shitty mother. Sorry isn't going to fix me, mother!" My anger arose again.

'I know, I know. But I just want you to know that I'm sorry. The day we went into the car. I wanted to die. The car that hit us did me a favor. I never wanted you to get hurt. I thought it was better for you if I had just died.' she let out a sad chuckle at the end.

'I'm sorry' she says barely over a whisper. I exhale to suppress my anger but only seemed to bring up sadness. A lump built up in my throat, tears welled up in my eyes. My chest tightened and I was taking short shaky breaths.

The tears started to flow and I fell to my knees, "I needed you, I needed a mother" I cry towards my non-existent mother. I never understood why my mother did what she did but now I understand. She was in pain and wanted vengeance for herself. She wanted someone else to feel what she felt.

It was the first time I had cried in over two years. I self harmed instead of crying. I was there, crying into my knees. I didn't know how to feel about what she said. I guess knowing the reason why she did what she did made me feel... empty.

I expected to feel remission. To feel something. But I was vacant of anything. I sniffed and wiped away my tears. Though it was as if I felt nothing, I was angry.

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I sat on the exact floor where I was constantly abused. I sat on the exact floor my mother told me she never wanted to have me. I didn't move. I've been sitting and staring at the same spot for hours. The spot she stood, shouting at me, screaming profanities in my face. The same spot she apologized.

'I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.'

'I think if you killed yourself, we'd all be happy!'