If No One Else

ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ ₁₅

15. s o f t s o r r y s
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In a weird way, it felt bittersweet to not be wanted.

I'd wished my whole life to be left alone, but that was on the basis of being wanted in all the wrong reasons.

When the wanting wasn't mutual, or I simply wasn't coherent enough to fight against it.

Whatever the point was; I'd always wanted this.

I wanted a man to look at me and not automatically start undressing me with his eyes and trying to get me off with his words.

I wanted... someone like Gael.

He only touched me when he needed to, and backed away when that time was up.

He only spoke to me when he had something of use to say, but otherwise he was quietly listening.

He never overstepped his boundaries— no matter how much my eyes sometimes begged him to— and he always stuck to caution when it came to me.

I sink deeper into his embrace, basking in the feel of his strong, protective arms being wrapped around me.

It feels selfish, but I want to take his warmth until it becomes my own. I wanted his calm energy to relax my chilled bones and still my erratic heartbeat.

He feels like some sort of armor where my body feels impenetrable, and I feel immensely invincible.

He feels like safety.

This feels a lot like trust and intimacy.

I feel... a lot.

I suck in a breath as I gently untangle myself from Gael's arms. The air around me instantly feels cold and harsh as I face it alone, but this was the reality I was use to.

And I didn't want him waking up with me still in his arms as if he were my anchor when we were supposed to despise each other.

Gael had spent the better part of the night trying to console me into a state of normalcy, and it had worked, if only for a brief moment.

He held me close and spoke soft sorry's and reassurance into my ear until the tears had stopped and my heart had slowed.

He promised me a happy ending; one filled with fulfilled hopes and dreams, happiness, peace, and love.

Although I wasn't foolish enough to believe my life would become so, it felt good to picture a future for myself that wasn't shrouded in darkness.

A yawn blows from my lip as I reach out my arms and stretch. My body aches, but I'm sure the weight was something that was now permanently etched into my world, so I ignore the feel of weak bones and strained muscles and instead force my feet to walk.

I leisurely walk through Gael's house; not that there's much to see. Every wall is painted white and left blank, there's minimal furniture, and no other signs that a person actually lives here.

I enter the hallway, the same one leading to the bathroom, but I pass the door I'm familiar with and instantly head for the entrance at the very end of the hall.

I slowly twist the knob and crack open the door, being met with immediate chaos as the room reveals itself to me.

It's so unlike Gael; clothes sprawled haphazardly across the floor, bedsheets ripped from the mattress, blinds completely shut, the bed frame was twisted in a crooked angle, but there was one thing in the room left untouched...