If No One Else

ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ ¹⁶

16. r e d, w h i t e, and d r u n k
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Each step out the door feels like a mile weighed down by my thoughts— half tilting me right into Chandler's orbit, and the other half running me away from her addictive force.

Every breath feels like my last as my heart violently beats against my chest. The thuds sound suspiciously audible, and I wonder if Chandler can hear it behind the closed door.

I wonder if she feels the same way...

As I walk closer to my car, my decision begins to grow more distant from my inner wants, and instead feels like a useless guise of defense to protect the fragility brewing beneath my skin.

There was no call from the office asking for me to come in.

There was no awaiting nightlong shift.

There was no reason for me to even step near the precinct.

There was, however, a drunk Elijah at Captain Garvin's, and as a ploy to get away from Chandler, I told them I would come and help.

I needed to get away from her, the emotions she evoked in me, and away from all the promises and hope she stood for.

I'd gone four years without feeling, or ever needing to feel, the touch of another person. It wasn't even a craving that my lips or cock still desired or yearned for.

Although outlandish, it was just something that felt more natural, especially after everything that had happened.

I'd gone over four years of being alone and not needing or looking forward to anyone's company.

I preferred it that way.

I'd gone four years never getting attached to anyone or anything because it felt easier that way... more deserved.

And in just a few months, Chandler had come and disrupted my entire state of being.

The sad part is that it didn't even take much effort on her part; one glance at her hypnotic green eyes, and I was at her mercy.

Green suddenly became the one color I looked for throughout the day, but no shade ever compared to Chandler's emerald. 

It was the first color brought back into my black and grey world.

She was the first thing that pumped blood into my decaying heart, and light into my dead eyes, yet I hated her for it.

I hated her for leaving the flavor of hopes and dreams on my tongue whenever she kissed me. And how there was cream-filled light and vibrancy between her thighs that I couldn't wash away.

Everything I promised myself I would never feel again, but she made it feel too accessible when I knew it should've been buried six feet below.

I was scared to uncover what we could be, so I had to stop it before, we, started feeling too comfortable on my tongue.

I finally shake the invading thoughts from my head and slip into my car. My sweaty fingers fumble with the key for a minute, but I frustratedly get a grasp on them and insert it into the fob.

My car finally roars to life and I feel a calmness wash over me as the engine growls and rattles in readiness to drive away... to runaway.

I give one last longing glare towards the door, expecting Chandler to come running out, but she never does.