If No One Else

ᶜʰᵃᵖᵗᵉʳ ¹⁷

17. i n t e n t i o n s
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What was I doing here?

I hadn't moved since the slamming door shook the house into deafening silence. It was a quiet so loud that I couldn't even imagine what noise sounded like anymore.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't even know where to go.

I was stuck.

Maybe I was hoping he'd walk back through the doors and shut it softly this time, and kiss me until I became delirious off of the taste of his sorries.

Maybe I was waiting for the moment when I could do the same; shut the door and never look back.

Or maybe I was simply paralyzed by the realization that I had feelings for someone that could do so much better in life without me in it.

It takes awhile for me to finally break out of my trance, but the sound of Gael's engine roaring to life strikes air back into my lungs, and the feeling in my feet come back.

The sound of his car driving further and further away solidifies that he's not coming back, and it clicks then that I shouldn't either.

As I glare after the door, I grab at Gael's shirt and pull it up and over my head.

I let it fall to the floor in a soft heap of memories I no longer wanted to remember, then I'm walking over to the bathroom to wash off the feel of unwanted caresses and kisses from my skin.

I turn the water up until steam fills the bathroom and the hot water turns my skin red as each furious drip rains down on my skin.

It burns, but it feels better than the thoughts I was having.

It hurts, but maybe that's what I deserved...

I quickly wash off my body, face, and hair trying to rinse off every part that has ever been touched by Gael.

I don't know how much time passes before I feel clean enough to stop scrubbing my skin, but eventually the water starts sizzling uncomfortably and I finally make the decision to stop.

I step out and dry myself with the nearest towel as a chill quickly enters my bones.

I hadn't brought much with me to Gael's house but the clothes on my back and myself, but I wasn't yet ready to go home.

I wasn't ready to face the scrutiny of my parent's judgmental eyes, and I'm sure they weren't ready to see their disappointment of a daughter. I'll do us both a favor and continue avoiding them.

I race back into the living room, instantly heading for the couch to search for my phone that I hadn't seen since I first arrived in Gael's house.

It takes a second of blindly grabbing under the cushions, but I eventually find it and power it on.

I expect to see missed calls from Val, but there's radio silence on her end. I try to fight off the rising feeling of annoyance at the lack of calls, but truth is, I hadn't called to see how she was either.