Behind Closed Doors

31 - oh, honey

Hazel's POV:

Natalia is still shaking and on edge hours later. Even after a shower and deep breaths and meditation. Nothing is calming her down.

Right now she's pacing my bedroom. I'm trying to paint but my thoughts keep getting clouded by her feelings.

"Natalia," I say. She looks at me. Tears are in her eyes. I pull her onto my lap.

"I should've yelled at her or- something I-"

"Natalia."

"What?" Her voice breaks.

"Baby girl," I say softly. "You had a fucking trauma response. She's an abuser. She knew what she was doing. And it's better that you didn't do anything. It would've gone way worse." She takes in a shaky breath.

"Natalia," I say softly. She buries her head into my shoulder.

"What can I do to help you, baby? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes," she whispers. "I do. I do I really do."

"Okay. Talk to me, baby." She sighs and stands up. I get on our bed. She sits down next to me.

"She would play these... mind games with me. You know? Like she'd be super super sweet and say she was proud of me then say "but... you could've..." and then tell me what I did wrong."

"So I never knew how to feel. And then when the really bad grades came in that's when she'd hit me and call me weak and said I don't amount to anything and- all of this bullshit, right? So I literally- hated her but I loved her so much and I craved her validation and I still- catch myself-"

"Wanting that I'm proud of you."

"That's normal," I say softly.

"I still catch myself wanting my mother's love. Her hugs and happy moments but- that'll never happen again. And you have to accept that in order to heal." 

"I know," she whispers.

"And I did. I thought I did but I- then she came back." She takes in a breath and looks at me. She gets in my arms.

"I just want you to hold me and I just want to cry in your arms. Okay?"

"Okay baby." She kisses me and rests her head on my chest.

"Can you put on music?" She asks softly.

"Yeah of course." I turn on my TV and put on the playlist I made for us on.

"What if we get high?" She asks. "Like we did that one time? But this time we don't just... make out."

"You're not in the right headspace for sex."

"I can be in a coma and still want sex."

"I don't know how that would work."

"You would just feel down there and I'd be wet."

"Natalia!" I say laughing. She laughs. I kiss her.

"No! Absolutely not! If you were in a coma I'd just kill myself!" She laughs.

"That's... kind of how I felt when you got in your crash. And... when you were on the pavement. I thought I couldn't live without you. Ever."

"And it was kind of a reality check that I live this nonchalant lifestyle and the truth is I care. So much. About you and about everyone and my past-" she sighs.

"But I don't know if I like feeling. I mean I- I do but I don't it's so hard. Like- how do you feel? Is there a proper way to feel right now?"

"No," I say. "No. I mean you saw me go insane when my mother was here for like, two days, baby girl." I stroke her hair back.