Vanya

Common

He and I, we had nothing in common. I was complicated, royal, hurt, and plagued with this constant yearning for power. He was quite the gentle human, kind, open to the world, courageous, and power kneeled to him at all times, whether he wanted it or not. His heart was open to disappointments; 'they are a part of life' he once said. Mine was full of them, and I could not bear more of it.

Even his soul was forgiving, and mine forgave too much until I became unrecognizable... to my own eyes.

Amadeus was not afraid of change, not afraid to take risks and to live... me, on the other hand, I was terrified of life and everything it had to offer me. Yet, despite all these differences, my heart could not dismiss him, not for a moment. Everything he says intrigues me, every look he gives my way makes me dizzy, his mere presence twists my insides in the most beautiful, unique way, I was not happy nor accepting of any of it, but I could not control it, he could not either, we both knew it would cost us everything, to give into these desires, these feelings, so we never did.

"Are you alright, your highness?" His eyes roamed my soul, as if they were embracing my entire essence with a simple bereaved and concerned look, and it pained me, a great deal; to dismiss his concerns with a mere nod, but I had to put on my best act, my father cannot see how much this man has an effect on me. He would use him against me in a heartbeat.

He nodded back, sensing my carelessness and taking a huge step away from me. Any indifference shown to this man by my own body makes me want to crawl out of my skin and burn it in front of his eyes as an apology, as if it were nothing but a worn out suit that I had to rid myself of. I hated being cold and acting heartless while my own heart was pleading for him in every waking moment. Why must it be so hard? Had I been a man, I would have had no issues whatsoever with showing my affections towards someone I liked.

"Vanya, Amadeus is one of my finest swordsmen, he will show you how to fight today, so do not disappoint him, or me. I shall be there to watch." Said my father. Great, me and the man I like, dancing? With swords in our hands? In front of my father? I hope this ends well, for the sake of all. I mean, I might as well declare my affections since fights make me emotional.

I shuddered at the despicable thought.

"Lead the way, your highness." Cold, nothing but coldness in his tone, is he really angry with me? Unbelievable.

I turned around and looked him deep in the eyes, ignoring the shakiness of my breaths and my heart, he can invade my own skin, drown me in his scent, mark my body with his fleeting looks, scar my chest with longing and anticipation for him and only him. He can take away everything he wants from me but not my power, my authority. I will not succumb to this tone just because my heart is worried sick about his feelings.

"I will, because I am your queen, your king, your lord, the one in control. You get that?" I was on the brink of kissing his beautiful face so passionately until my anger and my deep fascination for him subsided, or vanished completely... Yet I did not do any of that and I kept my face neutral. He nodded and could not look me in the eyes any longer, I squeezed my heart shut and led the way.

Not every passionate kiss is on the lips, not every passionate kiss was expressed clearly; mine is expressed by placing a sword firmly on his infuriating neck, while he breathed steadily and looked at me with respect and admiration. That, to me, to us, was the purest form of passion.

"Here, let me show you." In any other instance, I would never let a man tell me how to do something, but Amadeus was not any man, and I was not afraid to admit that, at least not to myself.

He put his firm hands on my sword, slowly approaching my hips, holding me in place with his own body, swinging my weapon for an attack. I let him do it, no one would suspect anything, and I missed him, I missed him dearly every day. It was torture, and nothing but.

He was taking deep breaths behind me, I could feel his chest rising and falling against my back, could feel his heart matching my own, somehow. I did not want that moment to end, but my father was waiting, expecting a fight, and I had to give him one.

My sword was pointing against his chest in moments, he gave up his guard and it was a perfect opening for me, breathing heavily, he said "excellent, your highness." But his eyes told me he hated every minute of this. I did too.

"Well well, I suppose even the great Amadeus himself could not compete with the queen! Excellent fight, Vanya." My father clapped in congratulations, I could not enjoy it; the one time he shows his approval of my skills, for this was far too emotional to be a real fight. I hated that my father could not see that.

"Vanya, are you listening to a word I am saying?" The disgusting voice of my husband brought me back to the present, a present where Amadeus is nowhere near me. I felt bitter, and there was no one to blame but the man who took it upon himself to marry me. I miss my forbidden soldier, so dearly it hurts to breathe knowing we are not breathing the same air, I feel my betrayal to him all over my body, to the point of wanting to slice my chest and stab my unfaithful lungs.

"What do you want from me? Please, just... stop. I cannot even look at you today." Looking at him felt like betrayal too, and I wondered what the soldier thought of me now, that I gave up on him and my people.

"Are you seriously pleading with me right now? Are you alright? Did you hit your head today by any chance?" Fake concern was all over his sinful face. I was envisioning slaughtering this man in his sleep, how good and faithful it would feel.

"I simply have no desire for any bickering today, so, walk me through my duties here again, aside from being stuck by your side until the day I die?" I was sure I looked like the embodiment of a heartache, and I was sure Roman saw it too.