Rêveuse

Chapter 6

April 2023

Bahrain went horrible for Charles. He came back pissed and he focused on getting better for the next race. He went to Maranello for meetings and he worked harder with Andrea to prevent this thing from happening again.

Saudi Arabia didn't go much better. He and Carlos finished P7 and P6 after a long race. He had more to discuss with the team after that so he went back to Maranello, not even stopping by Monte Carlo before going.

He basically lived in his apartment in Maranello, considering he was there so much more than he was at home with me. It felt more and more like my apartment and less and less like our apartment. I was walking around there, sometimes just standing in the doorway to the room with his computer setup, his simulator and helmets, and I just missed him. It was so empty, and there was dust gathering everywhere.

My parents moved back into town and I helped them with getting all the things into the house, but I'm rarely there. I can't stand it. I went to dinner at their house with Pascale and Lorenzo, but I just felt sick to my stomach sitting around the table looking around. At least my parents seemed happier.

I was getting bored, very, very bored. I couldn't stand just walking around the apartment everyday with nothing to do. I hated waking up and not knowing what I was going to do with my day. My days consisted of passing time until it was time to go to bed again, and I passed through the days waiting for the next thing to happen, which was mostly Charles coming back. I had no plans.

It infuriated me that I had let it come to that. That I had let myself just exist in a life where everything is circulating around a man who is currently focusing more on his job than me. Even though I understand that he has to prioritize work, I don't understand how I let myself just walk around waiting for him to come back rather than doing something on my own.

So I contacted Emma, telling her I might as well accept some brand deals just to have things to do. There's some travel, there's some planning and sometimes there are events to go to. It would bring me out of the endless walking around my empty apartment. I always finally reached out to Daniel for the first time since he left the grid. He's been signed by Red Bull as a reserve driver, and he's planning on being in the paddock during the Australian Grand Prix.

I desperately needed something to happen in my life, so even though I had planned on staying away from F1 as much as possible, with Monaco as an exception, I decided I would go to Australia anyways. Both watch the race, but also to spend time with Daniel. He promised he'd show me Perth if I flew down. He told me his parents would love it if I came, and I could meet Heidi who he's been seeing for a while but I've been too busy to actually greet her.

Charles liked the idea, of course, because he really hadn't liked that I had decided not to go to as many races anymore. I told him I would still support him, and I still watched the races from home, I just didn't want to go to the paddock. I don't like the millions of cameras and always having a microphone hanging above my head. The FIA makes decisions that never seem to be in the driver's best interest, but only for entertainment, no matter how draining it is to the drivers. I don't like how some people don't respect us enough to not ask certain questions or say stuff to us.

It's hectic, it's stressful, it's annoying to always have to worry about what sides people see of me and what that makes them think. It doesn't just affect me, it affects Charles. Therefore I can't just not care about my own image, because I have to think about Charles as well.

Still, I miss Charles too much. He's too busy to be home as much as before. So to even have a chance to see him, I have to go to races with him. To even have a chance of seeing him and get to spend time with him, I need to go to the races, even though I don't want to.