Rêveuse

Chapter 12.

2023

I have seen myself as even somewhat religious. The only time I found myself in a church apart from a wedding, baptism or funeral, was when Jules was in the hospital. Toward the end of his life, I found myself in a church. I had just visited him and the doctors had told us it was looking dark. I didn't know what to do with all the emotions I was feeling. The grief.

My parents didn't like it when I was out by myself, knowing there were a lot of people wanting to make a story out of our family back then. It was afternoon, and after I had seen my parents consoling each other while crying on the couch, I snuck out and I went for a walk by myself. I was like a dead man walking, until I stopped myself in front of a big church.

I looked up at the tall towers, and I saw the big bell. Without thinking much more, I walked up the stairs and I pushed open the big doors. The church was empty, so I snuck inside. Slowly, carefully, I walked down the aisle with my hand on the edge of the benches. When I got to the front, I looked up at the altar and I saw a big picture of jesus. Looking around, I see the roof decorated with angels and paintings of what I guess are parts from the bible.

The door to the bench in the front creaked as I opened it and sat down at the end of the bench. I let out a shaky breath as I placed my hands together with my fingers knitted together. I looked around and then at my hands. I had never prayed before, ever, and I didn't know how to do it. But I winged it. What did I have to lose at this point?

I prayed for Jules to get better and to make it. I cried, while I whispered my prayers to myself until they were no longer audible. Tears and snot covered my face as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and saw the priest holding onto a cross while he held his hand on my hand.

"Je prie pour tout ce pour quoi vous priez... Dieu peut vous aider," I pray that whatever you're praying for... God can help you with, he told me, or something along those lines. I don't fully remember, but I thanked him and I ran out of there and all the way back home.

Now, I found myself in the same church, not knowing what to pray for. I'm sitting in the same place in the same church, not knowing where to even begin. Charles was out of town again, which kind of is what put me in this spot. My reasons for ending up in that church again was kind of pathetic compared to the previous time.

Charles and I's situation bringing me back to church seems so pathetic. I'm not religious, so why do I feel like this is the place to be? Maybe it's my last resort. I don't know what to do, so what do I have to lose? What should I even pray for?

Not losing one of my longest friends and one of the most important people in my life.

Everything was great after summer. The thrill of the great vacation lived on for the rest of the summer vacation and it kept going for the start of the second part of the season. We didn't think it would go away. We thought we had gotten past all of our issues and gotten back to what we used to have. But when you're on such a high, the way down is so much longer.

We made it past the first race weekend just fine. The Netherlands ended with Pierre on the podium, which was exciting. After the summer vacation, I didn't feel as bad agreeing to come to Monza. It's the best race of the season, but I still wanted to stay out of the spotlight for the most part, even though that gets increasingly harder when Charles is one of the main people of the weekend. But I was up for it, preparing myself mentally from the moment we decided I'd be there.

It was the same atmosphere that week as the previous Monza weeks. Ferrari had another special livery that weekend, and there was some added yellow displayed on their team clothes. Charles was busy as always, but Charlotte and Carla were both there, and after that vacation we had together we were all excited to be back together again. They had a bit more time to spare than I did. With Charles I got tangled up while he greeted fans, as I had reluctantly agreed to join him to appear as a strong front.