The W. J. Manares' Reader

Pancake Earth

The Earth was flat. Yes, you read that right—flat as a pancake!

The first thing that would strike any visitor to Earth is the peculiar way gravity worked. Instead of pulling everything towards the center of the planet, gravity was essentially spread equally across the flat surface. People would find themselves sticking to the ground like flies on flypaper, leading to many unintentional slapstick moments. Walking became a wobbly endeavor, and simply standing still required impeccable balance.

Navigating Earth was an adventure in itself. Forget about using maps or GPS. Instead, the citizens, relied on slide rules and protractors to determine their exact location. And trying to read these unconventional tools while standing at an awkward angle on the flat surface was a sight to behold. Imagine a group of bewildered citizens, squinting at their instruments, constantly adjusting them to attempt to find their way, only to end up walking in circles.

Traveling from one place to another was no simple task. The citizens had to constantly adjust their trajectory to account for the curvature of the planet's edges, which was a whole new level of math even for the most studious among them. It was common to see people accidentally miss their destination by miles, ending up on opposite sides of the planet, scratching their heads in utter disbelief.

Of course, the peculiarities of a flat Earth extended to daily activities as well. Picture a game of soccer, with players furiously kicking the ball, but instead of the ball rolling along the ground, it would endlessly slide away until someone managed to catch it. The game quickly turned into a hilarious combination of football, tag, and bobsledding as players attempted to navigate the never-ending slip-and-slide.

Another funny quirk was the phenomenon of sunset flickers. As the sun approached the edge of the planet, it would play a game of peekaboo, disappearing and reappearing multiple times before finally setting. People would gather in anticipation, placing bets on the number of times the sun would flicker before saying its goodnight. The betting pool would sometimes reach astronomical proportions, making the actual sunset seem like an afterthought.

But perhaps the most humorous aspect of Earth was the ongoing debate about what lay beyond the edges of the flat planet. Some believed in the existence of Bottomless Pits, while others insisted on the presence of Gigantic Waterfalls cascading into the unknown. The adventurous ones would occasionally tie ropes to their waists and dangle their outstretched bodies towards the edges, only to be yanked back abruptly by the equalizing gravity. These daredevils would return with tales of tickling the toes of colossal beings residing in the abyss, providing endless entertainment for the people.

Perhaps, I must find a new planet to conquer, elsewhere.