A Demon's Past

Chapter 13

TW: Anxiety, mentions of self-harm, body image issues.

I woke up the next morning astonished. Having a really hard time remembering where I was or even who I was. I sat in my bed trying my hardest not to let my anxiety get the best of me as I felt my chest close up and my breathing become more shallow.

This happened to me every day. From the moment I woke up I had severe and crippling anxiety that threatened to consume me if I did not get it under control. I hadn't lost a battle in years, having my system in place to make sure I could surpass these moments.

I just had to follow it.

As soon as I managed to get my breath somewhat even. I got up and took my pills, trying to fight the nausea the pure panic I felt was giving me. I then sat on the edge of my bed and waited for Mist to come to rest half her body in my lap as I played with her fur and dissociated. 

I just stared at the ceiling until my vision was blurry and let my mind drift into comfortable nothing.

Twenty minutes later my anxiety had become more manageable and I was able to get up and take a shower. But my mind was still overactive. 

So many things had happened in a short amount of time, so many changes that excited me and terrified me at the same time. 

I had met the boy of my dreams, literally. And for the first time in my life, I dreamt about something different.

I was flying with him. That was new.

I had tried my best to figure out what these dreams meant -- and by my best, I meant googling the shit out of it. The scientific answers made sense, recurring dreams were usually a symptom of PTSD or they could mean my mental health wasn't doing great.

This would have convinced me if I had started having these dreams after my sister died, but I'd been having them for as long as I could remember. And these were not normal dreams.

The only thing that somewhat changed was my point of view, sometimes I was watching the events unfold, and others I was living them. But it was always the same happy scene and then the fall.

There was no fall last night, there were only happy new scenes. And him, always him.

I grabbed my phone and googled Andras for the hundredth time in two days and stared at the pictures of him. He always appeared in the photos in one of two ways. He was either dressed impeccably in the most expensive of suits, his hair slicked back and wearing expensive watches, or he was dressed in all-black casual clothes, his fluffy hair being the center of his look along with his piercings and earrings. In the latter, he had a small amount of smudged black eyeliner that matched his nails, drawing attention to the big amount of rings.

If someone had described Andras in the more laid-back pictures to me, I would have pictured him as an emo kid. But the more accurate way to describe it was "drunk rockstar after a night of partying". And it was so weird to me, because even though he displayed an interesting duality neither of his personas resembled the boy in my dreams.

Don't get me wrong, it was him, but he used to look more innocent, and kinder. I always imagined him to have a soft, sweet voice. Always pictured him to stutter a bit when he got nervous, but I wasn't sure the man I met was capable of feeling nervous.

But my dreams weren't an accurate source of intel as he had wings in them. Why in the world had I been dreaming about an angel that looked like him? I wasn't even religious.

I glanced at the time, it was 1 p.m. which wasn't an unusual waking hour for me considering I hardly managed to sleep at night.

 Last night had not been the exception. 

I had no idea what I was going to do today, but I had no intention of going out with Anika now that Darsh was here. I could not face him now that I'd broken my promise, he would immediately know, I was a horrible liar.

I didn't use to be.

I banished the thought as I ran my hands along my arms, trying to banish the goosebumps I suddenly felt. I didn't know if I was the only one but when I felt emotionally unstable I always grew cold, so I walked over to my bag and pulled out what I had dubbed my 'Comfort hoodie'. On the days I hated my body and couldn't stand to look at myself I'd put it on and it would completely hide my body shape. On the days I felt anxious and unsafe I used it to keep me warm and grounded as I hid my hands on the sleeves and curled into myself.

The hoodie was old and had some holes around the cuffs of the sleeves but I would never throw it out, I refused to. It was pathetic as I'm no longer a child holding on to a blankie.

I sighed as I ran a finger down my scars, knowing my life was so much better right now, knowing I had made it through. I had stopped a long time ago but that didn't mean I didn't have moments where I wanted to do it again again. I threw the hoodie on, trying not to think about it either way.

It took me a few years to understand that I shouldn't feel guilty for being upset and that even if I made the same mistake again, even if I relapsed, I could get better and I would. For me, it was an addiction like any other, a way my brain learned to cope with my feelings and the constant noise in my head. 

Deciding I needed a distraction I put on a kid's show and relaxed in my living room. This was, I believe, my deepest darkest secret. I liked kid's shows sometimes because even the slightest bit of tension or drama in another piece of media stressed me out so much I couldn't take it. Sometimes when I was having a particularly bad day, I watched my little pony and loved every second of it.

No one knew about this, of course, not even Lucy. It was between Applejack and me. I giggled at the thought and eventually relaxed so much that I fell asleep.

____

I woke up around 10 p.m. and checked my phone to see if I had any texts. 

Lucy hadn't texted me in a while, but she did say she'd be focused on taking care of her grandma, so I didn't worry. I decided to give her some space, we could talk when she was available.

I had a few texts from Anika and Darsh and just as my eyes traveled downwards I realized I had forgotten something really important.

I'd never texted Andras.

And yes, even though he did say I could take as much time as I needed, I knew he was waiting for my answer and I hated making people wait.

So before I could even think about it I texted 'Hi'.