Then and now

Chapter 9: Amira's POV

By the time I get home, my dad is already up. 

I sneak past him and go up the stairs as quietly as I can, not wanting him to yell at me when I'm so exhausted. 

I look at the alarm clock on my desk and see that it is 6 AM, and the sun is already rising. I'm confused but also not surprised that we stayed out that long, seeing that we fell asleep. 

I change into sweatpants, avoiding the mirror in my cupboard. 

I never look at myself anymore. I can't figure out an answer for sure, but it's something to do with the places my mind goes when I do. 

I start to think about many things if I look at myself for an extended period of time. I start to think about what I used to wear, and where that got me. I think about what has been taken away from me. 

My confidence has been taken away from me. I wouldn't say that I used to be an overly confident or cocky person, but I was certainly not insecure or ashamed of my body. 

Logan changed that. 

He would always comment on what I was wearing, saying hurtful things about my body if I was wearing anything but a hoodie and sweatpants. 

Or he would just use his favourite word- Slut. 

Now that word and those comments are so ingrained into my brain that I can't look in the mirror or wear what I want without thinking exactly what he told me. 

At the time I thought it was normal for boyfriends to say that sort of stuff to their girlfriends. I thought he was protecting me. 

But now I know that isn't true. 

He was the one I needed protection from. 

I shake the thoughts of him out of my head, like I always do before crawling into bed and trying to fall asleep. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I wake up, I feel even more tired than I did when I went to sleep. 

I swear I was half awake the whole time. Did I even sleep? 

The time reads 4 PM, so yes I did sleep. 

I decide not to rot in bed right now and I grab my headphones and leave the house. I don't want to see my dad today, because I am afraid that I might just snap at him and make things worse. 

I go across to the park because there is nothing better to do in this stupid town. 

I consider calling Asher, considering that I now have his number but I don't want to bother him. Surely he's sick of me at this point. He must be. 

My mood brightens when I see a familiar head of curly black hair sitting on the swings holding a vodka bottle. 

I walk up to her, and a big grin, showing all of her teeth forms on her face when she sees me. 

"Amira! Hey, how are you?" Norah is clearly a very happy and cheery drinker. 

"I'm good. What are you doing?" I'm curious what she is doing in the town park drinking vodka at 4 PM. Not that I didn't come here to do the same thing. 

"I normally get my dealer to meet me here. He's coming in a few. Wanna sip?"

I nod hesitantly and take the bottle from her. I'm not stingy about drinking, I'm just concerned about someone seeing me in broad daylight underage drinking. 

That still doesn't stop me from taking a big swig, though. 

"Who's your dealer?" I haven't had drugs in a while. I was pretty addicted at some point. Not as bad as some people, but I couldn't go a day without some form of drug. It just made everything go away.