COMRADES • Eren Jaeger

EXTRA CHAPTER: Enemies

Chapter 38.5

It would be a hundred times easier if we were young again.

-

"Are you sharpening your weapon, Y/N?"

"It's helpful," you deadpanned. "Why don't you help me?"

It was not supposed to be a command, but it came across as one. The cadet you had been talking to flushed, pleased with the responsibility of given a personal task.

The same cadet had been bright enough to place a shallow container before you, with water sloshing against the sides and rough blocks of stone set in the center. A damp cloth draped over the edge of the thick wood and a new selection of knives beside you were lined up next to your thigh.

You took the cloth and swiped it over the surface of the whetstone in front before taking one of the blades into your hands, the tips of your fingers resting flat on the broad side of it, and you pressed the edge of the cold, shining metal across the span of the earthenware block, as slowly and steadily as an artist perfecting her art. Many eyes followed the flourishing curves of your movements.

It would feel so good to gouge them out, you thought.

No, that's fucked up.

Murderer.

There was an elegance to your blade-grinding movements, a sign that you had done this a million times before along with servicing your other weapons, as well as a flow to the steam like the sea turning stone into sand. You had to be sensible and pragmatic: anger was best channeled through work instead of play. These knives would be useful when you would encounter the enemy. But the question was, who was it?

You gazed at the blades to see your own reflection.

There they are.

Out of curiosity, you asked your subordinate, "Have you ever killed a person, Elise?"

She looked up, startled by your sudden address, and then nodded.

"You have?" you asked.

"In Marley," she explained. "I set off a bomb that blew up a street. A man and a woman got caught up in the blast."

Great, you're a murderer because of me.

You left abruptly. Your moods were changing so fast that it gave everyone whiplash. They spoke quietly whenever you were around, like one wrong word could set you off. By the way you were acting unstable, they were probably correct.

But how were you supposed to be calm when you were breaking down? 

You were washing blood off your hands when Eren came into the room. You tensed up like you were afraid.

Was this selfishness, or selflessness? You had never realized how distant you and Eren had gotten. You did not understand him as well as you thought you did, and that pained you.

You used to be able to read him like a book. Now, you barely knew what was going on in his mind. And even if he tried to explain it to you, it would fall on deaf ears because you just couldn't understand how he could manage to do such evil.

There was no point in dwelling on childish things like friendships or small talk; your task began and ended with the destruction of humanity, and any other foe was a mere pawn in an intricate game of chess. It was cruel. It was the ultimate violence. It was your best chance.

"Sulking again?" Eren asked. The pent-up resentment you'd been nursing began to surface. "You can always leave if you want to. I won't force you to stay."