COMRADES • Eren Jaeger

CHAPTER 5: Failures

THE FIREPLACE had fizzled out hours ago, but the bottle in your hands had long since gone cold as ice. You stared out the window, past the dying light of blown-out wax candles and chimney tops that were slowly running out of smoke, past the rain splattering on the dirty glass panes. You tried to focus on the heavy pitter-patter, steady your breathing, but all you could see was the memory of Petra's spine, bent and bloody.

Dead. Your seniors were all dead.

The operation had been a disaster. You no longer had a squad. The 57th expedition outside the Walls had gone awry, with half of the Survey Corps obliterated by a Female Titan. And that wench had gotten away in the end, rendering every last sacrifice a farce.

You knew the world beyond the walls was a grueling place, but reality was difficult to face. You just were a soldier, a fairly decent one, but a regular soldier nonetheless. Not like Petra, Oluo, Gunther, and Eld. They were the best of the best, and they still died brutally.

The only reason why you'd survived was because Levi had called you to stay behind with him to take notes of the capture. You complied, overseeing the Female Titan, because you trusted the others to keep Eren safe. Would you have died, had you been there? Surely you would have. Your body should be rotting away in the barren land of Wall Maria right now, reuniting with the soil of the earth. You had only been lucky.

Your hands began to shake. You couldn't comprehend it. A delusional part of you wanted to believe that if you lay on the bed and shut your eyes tight right now, Petra would shake you awake and greet you a good morning. But the only female senior of yours was long gone now.

From then on, she would only exist in your memories.

A knock came at the door. You didn't answer, too engrossed in your own thoughts. The fulcrum wailed as Eren slowly swung it open and he cringed at the banshee-esque sound. At the sight of him, you dropped the bottle and it shattered into a thousand pieces.

A fight or flight reaction flared inside you and you immediately bent down, hands trembling as you struggled to pick up pieces that were forever shattered. The shards cut into your palms and you watched, dumbfounded for a fleeting second, as blood slowly seeped out.

"Hey—are you alright?"

Eren immediately slammed the door behind him and quickly knelt beside you to examine your hands. His brows furrowed at your expression. It was not the first time you'd lost people close to you. But you had grown attached to them. Hoped that they would guide you, as you thought you would for the next generation and so on.

Perhaps this was a gruesome reminder that there was no place for attachment in the Survey Corps.

Eren held up the hands he had held not too long ago. "Your cuts don't look deep," he remarked with a worried frown. "Let's wash it out so we can wrap a bandage around them."

"Okay," was all you said. Even now, looking down at your hands, you couldn't feel a lick of searing pain or numbing pleasure. Just as is. 

Barely even twelve hours ago, you had been sitting upright on your horse as you led the middle guard with the rest of the squad. The townspeople of Karanese District marveled as the Survey Corps rode past. This was the better part of the life you'd fancied for yourself.

Of course, going beyond the wall was dangerous. It could cost you your life. There was a good chance that in half an hour, you could be dead, flat out dead, bleeding for your life on the grass and succumbing to the darkness as a Titan swallowed you whole.

But Eren had given you a smile underneath his hood, and that was that. You were fueled with the potential thrill of riding into the scape of Wall Maria for the very first time. He was, after all, humanity's hope. You knew you could trust him.