Past memories | Shin soukoku | Atsushi angst

Chapter 10

I'm really sorry for the slow updates😭 I've just gotten so busy with school (exam periods) and didn't have much motivation

Atsushi POV

Ever since that night on the agency's rooftop me and Akutagawa have been having frequent meetups on the roof when everyone left. Due to us living together for some time and also hanging out, I dare to say we're somewhat friends. How ironic... The first time I saw him, specifically a picture of him, I was told under no circumstances should I stumble across the man. Yet here I am, impatiently waiting for him to arrive on our usual spot. The reason behind my impatience is my desperate need for advice. Strong waves of guilt started hitting me because of my prior decision to kill myself. There are people who care about me, or so I'd like to believe, and besides, some people have it way worse than me... Maybe I'm just being overdramatic.

I mentally prepared myself once I heard footsteps coming my way. Soft and delicate footsteps that I could recognize immediately. I turned my head upwards to catch a glimpse of the breathtaking view above me while my feet were dangling off the edge. Akutagawa sat down beside me quietly, covered his mouth with his pale hand and coughed lightly.

3rd person POV (don't ask about the sudden switch up I just wanted to write in 3rd person😭)

"You look as happy as ever" Akutagawa stated. "About that..." Atsushi paused for a few seconds which made the black-haired male feel a mix of concern and curiosity. "I wanna talk to you about something, but first, promise me you won't tell anyone, Atsushi half shouted, not a single soul!" He clarified. "I promise" Akutagawa replied calmly. A wave of relief hit the weretiger as he knew the boy sitting next to him was a man of his word. "I wanna kill myself in 5 days. I planned it this morning but a part of me starts to regret it. On the one hand I want my pathetic existence to fade but on the other, I keep thinking of how it will affect the people I love, if they even care when I'm dead." Atsushi ranted in one breath. Meanwhile, Akutagawa listened carefully and tried to find the right words in order to comfort the younger, he wasn't exactly the best at comforting. "What if you don't kill yourself at all?" he gave a mental note to himself to learn how to properly comfort someone, even if he knew it would only be needed for the weretiger or perhaps his sister. Atsushi was hesitant to respond. He really didn't know what his obsession with death was lately. He wanted to blame Dazai's bad influence but he was aware that wasn't the case. He just felt so overwhelmed with negative emotions and suicidal thoughts and he desperately wanted to put an end to his misery.
After much thought the decision had been made. Whether you look at it from one point or another, Atsushi was a useless and pathetic excuse of a human. He wasn't even quite sure how he made it to 18. He deserved to die. Having control of when it would happen was just a bonus.

Atsushi was lost in his thoughts until Akutagawa broke the silence. "Come live with me again" he said seriously buy with a hint of concern for his so called enemy. "You're just trying to prevent me from killing myself" Atsushi said in a bored tone. "Aren't I logical for doing so?" He asked rhetorically. "Besides, your foolish agency buddies wouldn't be so delighted if you were found floating in some river" he said and purposefully excluded the part were he would be upset about his death. The younger man remained quiet. "Cmon" Akutagawa exclaimed as he stood up. Atsushi was still in the same position thinking if he could avoid the situation by falling off this tall building. The air going through his hair making it messy, the weight of his body slowly decreasing as he dropped, even the few seconds of the painful landing would be worth it if he could be at peace again. If he just- "Don't be a fool. Let's ho home"

AGAIN SORRY FOR THE SMALL CHAPTER!! I just finished this and it's currently midnight on a Sunday😭. Hopefully I will post next weekend and I'll try my best to make it longer