Past memories | Shin soukoku | Atsushi angst

Chapter 12

Tw: vomiting, eating disorder, suicide mentions, suicide attempt

November 9th. The day had finally arrived. He had been waiting so long for this fateful moment.

Akutagawa left earlier in the morning which gave him the chance to prepare himself physically and most importantly, mentally. He took slow but determined steps to the bathroom. However, after a few seconds he started swaying like a drunk man. Despite having eaten last night (read: forced to eat by Akutagawa) he was still dizzy and his body was sore and weak. He wasn't too surprised. After all, a mere meal wouldn't make up for three weeks' lost meals.

Once he made it to the bathroom, his knees dropped on the cold tiles. Deep inside he was hesitant because he knew Akutagawa would find out one way or another, although he despised the thought of dying fat and ugly so he resumed. He grabbed the expensive toilet bowl with his hand for support and he pushed his remaining hand deep into his throat, immediately gagging at the sensation. His gag reflex had never been the best so it took some time, presumably 10 minutes but to Atsushi, it felt like long, agonising hours.

He finally started throwing up. Following so much effort, he puked his guts out and gripped the toilet bowl harder, as if it would dissolve into dust the moment he let go off it. After he emptied everything that he consumed last night, his body didn't stop. Instead he threw up bile until his body couldn't stand the torture anymore and he passed out.

Hours later, he opened his eyes only to witness the bathroom he had fainted in hours prior. He shakily got up and washed his face. God, he looked like shit. He glanced around the sink and in the cupboards when his eyes fell upon a box of makeup supplies. Must be Gin's, he thought and tiredly reached for the box, hearing a few cracks from his sore joints.

He, of course, didn't know much about makeup but at least he was aware of some basics. He put concealer underneath his eyes to hide the terrible eye bags he had gotten recently and some lipstick to make his chapped lips look plumper and healthier. He applied some rouge on his cheeks and on his forehead.

He took a look at himself in the mirror. He felt proud of himself. The thought of dying pretty was the thought that surpassed all the others this week. He searched a little and found Ryūnosuke's hairbrush. It was black and practically shined under the bathroom's dim light. He gently brushed his hair until not even a single strand was visible, humming to a song he heard on the radio while doing so.

He was ready. He took a few minutes to write everyone important to him a small letter containing his last words. That's when he realized how many people in his life cared for him, or at the very least, he cared for them. He hesitated for a second. What he was about to do was totally egoistic. Giving up just to escape the sorrows of life would just pass them by to the people he deeply loved.

No, he wasn't going down that path. A promise is a promise and he wasn't the type of person to break it at the slightest chance. The letter he wrote to Akutagawa seemed to take longer than the others. He didn't exactly know what to write, how to express himself. Akutagawa recently became a big part of his life, helped him through his bad moments. So, was he really considered an enemy anymore?

Once he finished writing all the letters, he neatly put them to the side of the desk where they would be visible. He dragged a chair from the kitchen all the way to the bedroom, staggering every few steps. He could barely support his own weight, caring a chair along with him made it painfully harder. He made sure the rope was tight enough and stepped on the chair, a small, genuine smile across his face.

Shit. How could he forget the paperwork for the latest mission at home?! He made a total fool out of himself in the meeting!

Akutagawa exhaled loudly, causing him to cough harshly into his fist. He searched his pocket and took out the key. He rushed to unlock the door.

He kicked the chair from under his legs. The rope immediately tightened around his neck making it a struggle to breath. His throat burned terribly. He wanted to scream and cry but he had neither the energy nor the capability to do so. Dark spots appeared before his eyes, clouding his vision. That's when he heard the jiggle of keys unlocking the front door. He wouldn't have heard it if it wasn't for the tiger. That was a in fact a reminder that the beast within him was still there, even in his last moments. He practically felt the creature rawr and try its best to keep him alive.

"Weretiger, I forgot the papers I was filling last night can you bring them to me?" Akutagawa asked in a loud tone but got no response. He was immediately met with a feeling of unease. "Atsushi?" He yelled loud enough that the other could hear him. Again, no answer to his calling.

He went with his gut instinct that told him to check his bedroom first and that he did. He stood there, completely petrified. Atsushi was crying and swinging from a rope several feet above the ground, a knocked down chair right besides him. "RASHOUMON" he yelled and the beast cut the rope, making the weretiger fall on his knees and gasp for air.

The air in the room suddenly felt even more suffocating than when his neck was within the rope. He took frantic gasps for air and grabbed his knees tightly.

Akutagawa was still horrified by the sight. He contemplated confronting Atsushi and shouting foolish words but decided it's not the time. Instead, he walked slowly towards the panicked boy. He gently placed a hand on his back and started rubbing it softly.

Atsushi looked beside him and saw Akutagawa's relaxed expression and burst into tears. He wrapped his hands around the other tightly and sobbed into the older's shoulder. He couldn't explain what happened with words, he didn't want to. Akutagawa clearly saw it and let it go, for now. He whispered sweet things into the weretiger's ears and tried to soothe him the best he could.

Soon, Atsushi fell asleep on the embrace and Akutagawa carried him to his bed. He called his boss and informed him that something urgent happened and he couldn't attend the meeting or bring the files. He knew he could lose his job over this but right now, Atsushi was his top priority.

He hugged the weretiger and let slumber take him.

"Where's Atsushi? He's three hours late! He has wrecked my schedule completely!" Kunikida was extremely frustrated.

Ranpo took out the lollipop he had been sucking for the past hour and turned his chair to face Kunikida. "Let him be Kunikida." He said without elaborating further but the blond took the hint and didn't question him.

1205 words

I didn't check for mistakes so there might be some