The Story of Us

Eleven

Moving on to 2021. I have a few vent journal entries and I figure why not share here? This is the story of us after all. Might as well share my inner most thoughts with you guys so you have the full picture by the end.

"2/23/2021 He makes everything about him. This morning he asked how I was and I decided to be honest and tell him I'm not okay. I was dizzy and had a headache and I just felt like shit. I usually just say fine but today I decided should be about me and my problems. That didn't last long. It eventually became about him and how bad his day was. I went over to his house and somehow his mother got her hands on the gift I had bought for his niece and she decided to put it in the box with her gifts. I was PISSED. That was MY money used on that and MY gift, I deserved the credit. Luckily, once it was opened she mentioned that was from me and Stephen. I'm getting so sick of writing his name on gifts I am spending my hard earned money on. I need to stop. His family is not my family. They don't do anything for me, I don't have kids for them to spend money on either. It also bothers me that he still hasn't done anything for Valentine's Day for me. My birthday is in 3 weeks, is he going to ignore that too? I'm literally having a mental breakdown over this relationship. I'm just so bored with it. All he wants to do is sit around, play on his phone and watch TV or YouTube. I need more. I need support. Also, when my period was late and I thought 'What if...' if I was pregnant I wouldn't want to tell him. I don't want my kids to have a deadbeat dad. I don't want to work so hard to survive because I can't keep this up. I had an anxiety attack at work this morning...I can't keep doing this. I want to dump him and tell him when he has a job we can talk. But I'm guessing by the time he has a job that I will have moved on. I would bet $100 that I could be in a healthier relationship before he would get a job. I left his house because I was so bored sitting in his car doing nothing.. not even talking. I need more than he can offer. And it pains me to know this now, because I wasted almost 2 years with this dude. He wanted a kiss goodbye and I was trying not to because I'm tired of leading him on. I need to break up with him."

I didn't break up with him, I kept pressing on because in the end I loved him. My birthday was coming up and I wanted to go to Laughlin, since that was my original plan back in 2020 before covid ruined it. He had said he couldn't go because of his grandma, so I began planning with my new found best friend, Jessica. We had it all planned out when he said he could join us. I was excited; I was going to have my best friend and my boyfriend along with me for my birthday! It was a great time, however I think that may have been poisonous beginning.

As his birthday crept up, my mom was finalizing plans to Hawaii. She was bringing me because I had finally graduated from Chaffey and because her boyfriend (maybe fiance at this point?)  wasn't too big on traveling. However, the trip she was planning happened to be at the end of May, meaning I would be gone for his birthday yet again. He was super passive aggressive when I told him about this; saying it's fine, his birthday doesn't matter anyway. How it was just going to be a trend that I would miss every other birthday of his.  That's when I vowed to never miss another birthday of his. And I lived up to it thus far. Not that it matters anymore.

Let's just jump to August of 2021. This is where it gets good. But before I get there, here are the journal entries:

8/12

I've told my boyfriend that I feel he isn't serious about moving out together. He tried to convince me that he is. He's 28 and hasn't had a job in about 8 YEARS!!! But, that's a story for a later chapter. He claims he's applied to places but apparently hasn't gotten any calls back, which I find strange because I applied to places this week, got 3 interviews and already have at least one job offer. Plus, one of the places he claims to have applied to has a sign out front stating they are hiring; that's how desperate they are.

I told him tonight that it's a good things he doesn't have a job and that we aren't moving out together because I don't think we can stand each other that long. He said when the time is right things will line up. So it makes it seem like he's not really trying to move out; he lied about being serious. I told him I don't think I'll ever be ready and he freaked out, asking me what I meant. I explained that "I don't see a point in us moving in together right now. For all I care we can wait until we get married/if we get married to move in together." I guess he didn't catch my if, because he didn't question it. He repeated himself. "we'll get there when the time is right". At this point I just said goodnight because I didn't want to dump him via text. I don't see this relationship going anywhere and I'm tired of wasting my time.

I also think he is gaslighting me. He has claimed he used to bring me Taco Bell to my color guard practices in high school but I don't remember that. Maybe once, but he made it seem like it was all the time. My instructor would never allow that.

On top of that, whenever I start to question our relationship he starts saying I'm overthinking. I agree and move on with my life but now I'm starting to think again. Telling me I'm overthinking is very similar to calling me crazy and trying to discredit my thoughts. It took two and a half years to figure this out.

I also realized he's a terrible listener, will turn the subject to him, and will belittle himself whenever I point out an issue or something doesn't go his way. It's not always like that, but often enough that I'm starting to take note. He didn't ask how my day was or my interviews went, it's always me caring how his day went (although he just sits at home watching YouTube and playing video games all day every day).

8/13

I tried to confront him but that didn't work well. I couldn't find the words to start a conversation.

Shortly after that last journal entry is when this happened.

We were messaging on Snapchat and I said something that he took the wrong way. I asked if I could come over and talk to him about it, to clear up the miscommunication. He refused and broke up with me. I cried myself to sleep yet again. And, again, he came crawling back within the week. But this time, I told him the only way I would take him back was if he got a job and began going to therapy. Within a week, he had both and we were back together. I thought things couldn't get any better.

He quit therapy when his mom stopped paying for it and never went back. He said when he gets a better job he would go back. He never even looked into it.