Solivagant | Lee Heeseung

- 20 -

"Drink this," I said, handing him a glass of water.

"No," replied Heeseung.

"Drink it already, before I pour it all down your throat!"

"Ok, jeez," he said, gulping the water down. I handed him 3 more glasses so he was fully sober again.

He then pulled me beside him, making me sit down on the couch. I looked at him in question, and he wrapped his arm around me.

"Why are you testing me, Jiwoo?"

"What? Testing you?"

"Why are you hanging out with him? I'm your boyfriend, you don't need him."

"I don't really know if you are, to be honest," I replied. "Jay's actually willing to spend time with me and listen to me. You did too, but only at the beginning."

"What are you saying?" he asked.

"I'm happy to be with you, seriously! But, I don't know if you're willing."

"How? Why not?"

"Because-" I started, but then stopped when a few notifications popped up on his phone screen. I grabbed the phone before him, and saw messages from a few other girls.

I sighed, but was I really expecting?

"Jiwoo-"

"This is exactly what I mean! You don't have time for me, and when you do, you'd rather spend it with other girls. You make it quite clear that you don't want to be with me."

"Listen, I still don't know how to work serious relationships-"

"Then grow up!" I exclaimed, cutting him off. "Learn how to be a proper boyfriend and then talk to me!"

I noticed him opening his phone, staring at something. I scoffed, seeing the outlines of a girl's bra. He noticed me looking, and quickly turned off his phone.

"Look, I-"

I put my hands to my face, bursting into tears from pain and disappointment. 

"Let me explain!"

"I don't need to hear the bullshit you have to say!" I yelled back, tears streaming down my face. 

"I trusted you, believed you would be serious with me since it's my first relationship ever! I let go of the shit you did, I tried to accept it all and forget, but I can't anymore. I won't continue like this, Heeseung, I won't get hurt by you anymore."

"Jiwoo, please!" he exclaimed, standing up and reaching for my hands, "I'm confused! I don't know what to do, I've never felt like this, I've never been this way with any girl other than you. I love you, I do, I just-"

"Just what? I asked, Heeseung gulping and looking down.

"I don't know."

"So it's settled, we're over," I said, my heart aching in pain as I looked him in the eye. 

I hate him, but I love him. But I can't.

"No, it's not."

"Neither of us are ready for each other, and it's okay."

"We can try again-"

"Not with each other, no," I said. "I don't want to try again with you. Just...leave me alone."

I walked to the door, seeing Jay come down the stairs with a confused look. His face then turned to a sorry one.

"Jiwoo!" he called out, but I had left the front door, shutting it.

I continued to sob as I sat down on the stairs, hugging myself as my forehead hit my knees. I knew Jay was beside me, and he sat down next to me, putting a hand on my back.

"No," I said, shifting away from him.

"It's okay, cry all you want. I'll stay here with you."

"Don't, you don't have to."

"I want to."

I frowned, lifting my head up to see him facing the front. I exhaled, looking the other way, my head hurting.

"I hate Heeseung"

He chuckled, "Understandable. I heard everything."

I opened my mouth, about to scold him, but then he said "I was walking down the stairs when I heard you guys screaming at each other. I promise, I just wanna help."

"It'll help if you stayed away."

"Oh."

I gulped, "Just so I can make sure I don't fall in love again."

From the corner of my eye I could see Jay turn his head to me. "What do you mean?"

I nodded, not wanting to speak again, and his silence seemed that he understood what I meant. It's not that I was in love with him, I'm just scared of doing so.

"Well, I did have to tell you something, but now doesn't seem like the best time."

"Mhm."

He sighed, "If you ever need someone to talk to, cry to, help with anything, you know I'll always be there for you."

I looked up at the sky, a small smile forming on my face as I wiped my tears.