This changes everything

Chapter 12: Truths

TW-Mentions of unaliving and abuse

Christmas day with my dad was nice.  Since he moved back to England I haven't been able to spend the holidays with him.  Christmas time is an expensive time to fly so it never worked out.  We spent the day with his friend's family, since his parents were dead, the divorce with my mom, and the death of my brother, he didn't have anyone but them and me.  

I never wanted to loose my dad.  When he left it took a big toll on me, I was always close with him, my mom and I hated each other, and he just moved away.  I slowly realized the reasons why he did and it made sense, but at 17 years old I just needed my dad.  

We didn't talk for a year after he left, I was mad at him, he never stopped calling or texting.  Finally, when I was ready I reached out to him and we were able to fix things, and I visited him the year before I left for university.  Getting to spend Christmas with him for the first time in years was one of the best days of my life, and I resent myself for depriving myself of the year I lost by not talking to him, but he always made sure I forgot. 

I called my mom that day, catching up and sharing a morning coffee together.  When Jack, my brother passed, she became very depressed.  We would have horrible fights before that day, but when it actually happened, I believed she resented me for it.  I know she would never admit it, that he was her favourite child, but for years it felt like that.  We stopped fighting after that day though, mostly because she didn't leave her bed for a while, also because she didn't want to loose another child which meant patching things up with me. 

My dad, my mom, and me all hated Christmas day.  Christmas day was the day my brother decided to take his own life. 

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After calling my mom, we decided to open presents that afternoon.  We were all adults which meant the childhood excitement of waking up early to open gifts had left and we would all wake up late afternoon.  

My dad opened the gift I got for him and he looked so happy. 

"Now that I work for Arsenal, I have connections" 

I winked at him as he was trying on the signed Liverpool Jersey, his favourite premier league team.  Henderson's name on the back with a few signatures from some of the players. 

He gave me a hug and thanked me. 

We spent the rest of the day drinking, eating, and spending time all together, forgetting about what this day meant.

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I made the drive back to London on the 27th of December and got back in the afternoon. I wanted to spend a couple days down in Frome, to forget about how weird my life had gotten here in London.  

Leah and I hadn't talked, at all really.  We wished each other a happy Christmas, but I wanted to give her some space. I know she wasn't too mad, knowing what actually happened to him, yet it was still a lie, and lies hurt. 

I didn't know when she wanted to talk about it, we were supposed to go to a New year's party together with some of the other Arsenal players, so it had to happen before then.  I thought about it before deciding to text her letting her know I was back in the city, that way she could decide when the right time was. 

Abi: I'm back in London 

Leah: Can I come over? 

She was quick with the response as always, but I was shocked that she wanted to see me so soon.  Maybe I was overthinking everything and she didn't actually need space, maybe I ruined things.  I can't stop getting out of my head about these things.