This changes everything

Chapter 17: I Miss You's

I didn't leave my house the weekend following the Friday of mine and Beth's fight.  I knew it wasn't her intentions for this to have the effect it did on me, she was just telling her partner the drama happening her life, but to me it was so much more than that. 

It was the truth though.  If this was getting out to the rest of the team, there's a chance someone who works for Arsenal may hear, and if that happened it could end my career, especially since the players personal lives are something many people are so interested in.  Nothing would happen to Leah or Beth or even Jill, they would get to continue playing football like nothing happened, but for me working in sports psychology would never be an option for me, ever again. 

Maybe I overreacted.  There was no reason for me to lash out at Beth the way I did.  I was so angry in the moment, I couldn't control my emotions at all, but then again maybe she needed to hear how her telling other people's secrets can cause serious damage. 

At the end of the day, I was more so angry at myself for letting it get to the point that it did.  I should've waited to talk to Beth, I should've probably not agreed to the dinner with Jill, even though it was only just dinner and we agreed on being friends, there's a lot of things I should've done and didn't so now I have to deal with the consequences. 

So I spent the weekend mourning my actions, and especially my friendship with Beth, she was my first friendship at Arsenal, and someone I finally thought fit the mould like my friendship with Alex.  On Sunday, all I knew was that I needed to call her, Alex that is,  like usual for her advice. 

"Wow, that's a lot Abi" 

"I'm so in the wrong here right" 

"I mean you know I'm all for being a bitch when angry, but honestly I think you definitely overreacted, you know Seb and I tell each other our friends' drama all the time" 

"Alex I'm you're only friend" 

"Hey! I'm the one helping you here" 

I thought it was a pretty good joke.

"Sorry I know, What do I even do?"  

"Obviously talk to Beth, tell her how you felt and maybe why you reacted that way and make sure she knows the people that know can't be talking about it for obvious reasons, then talk to Leah" 

"Talk to Leah?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure she rather hear you had dinner with Jill from you then through some rumour" 

"She's going to be so hurt even though it was just a friends dinner" 

"Yeah but still, like you told Beth things get misconstrued, so if you don't she might actually think it was a date" 

I sighed, Leah and I were cordial, but we didn't talk much outside of Arsenal, mostly due to the fact that I wanted this time for both of us to properly figure our shit out, which meant keeping our distance, most of the time, but Alex was right I needed to talk to Leah

"You're always so right" 

"I love when you tell me that" 

"Anyways I miss you, also news I might be back in Canada for Christmas, mostly so I can go wedding dress shopping with you" 

"Yay! Yeah lets go then! I miss you too, talk soon"  

I hung up the phone and went outside to sit on the steps of my front door, to have a cigarette.  I will always be mad at myself for picking this stupid habit up, but it seriously calmed my anxiety.  

After my cigarette break, I took Olly for a walk to continue attempting to clear my mind from all the negativity.  I was angry, sad, worried.  I just wanted those feelings to go away so I could repair what I broke, with a level head, but nothing was working.