Dancing With Our Hands Tied [L.S.]

These four walls - 16

"I tried to smile today, then I realized there's no point anyway"

Numb.

That was the overall emotion I feel as I watch the maids dress me in front of the mirror. I had refused to do it myself. I don't want to get married.

But here I stand, watching one of the maids who had raised me button up my dress coat telling me how handsome I look and how me and Kendall are going to be an amazing couple.

I feel like puking. The maids walk out of the room leaving me alone to my thoughts.

I hate my thoughts.

I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. My hair is still too short for my liking, my suit makes me look like a penguin, my shoes making my feet feel squashed. My tie is too tight. My stomach is too empty. My heart is too broken.

I don't even know if he's alive.

They won't tell me if he's even okay. They didn't tell me anything. They just locked me in my room and suddenly it's morning and the maids are dressing me to get married.

I don't want to marry her. I don't want to be with her.
I'm scared. I'm scared that he's gone. I'm scared that I'll never get to hug him again, never hold him, or kiss his lips. I'm scared I'll never get to be happy again. And maybe I'm selfish, but I'm in love. And maybe it's the same thing.

But the love of my life may never wake again, so I feel as though it's okay to be selfish. It's okay to want to not leave my bed and it's okay to cry.

I have cried. I cried all night last night and didn't get an ounce of sleep. I cried all of this morning and now, now I cry too.

I wish I was getting married to Louis today. I know we had just met but he was the only person I've really fallen for and I can't see my life without him.

It would be nothing.

It's now nothing.

This isn't how I saw my life as a kid. I didn't picture falling in love with a guy, but I didn't picture marrying a girl either. In my childlike mind I had seen me living in a cottage in the forest. It was similar to the cottages I would build out of my building blocks and try to draw with my colored pencils.

It was filled with books and canvas, just waiting for me to paint on. I had a cat in my fantasy, it's name was Dusty. I wonder if Louis was a cat person.

Was.

I refuse to believe that he could be gone. It's not possible. He can't be dead, he just can't. I won't allow it. I suppose I don't really have a say though, not anymore in my life anyways.

My life isn't even mine anymore.

Was it ever really? Except the time I spent with Louis it's as if I was living someone else's life, the life that was wanted for me.

The fantasy is forced to stay a fantasy. My parents have won.

I hear a knock at my door, I wanted to yell but I don't have the energy to argue. The door opens seconds later, Gemma appearing in front of me.

"Gem." I say, turning to her with teary eyes, my arms wrapped securely around myself.

"Oh Harry." She sighs, quickly wrapping her arms around me and letting me cry into her shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"Is he okay? Do you know if he's okay?" I asked, after a minute of hugging her.

"I don't know. I was there when the guards reported to mother and father about them being shot, I really don't know. They pushed me out when I tried arguing against what had happened. I'm so sorry." She replies.