(self harm ☹️)
{John..?}
I see the hospital room. A machine doesn't stop. A long beep. Like somebody has flatlined. I try to get up. It's easy. I get up off the bed. Doctors surround me. I look at the bed I just came from and take a step back. I see my lifeless body.
"What the fuck?" I sound the same? No one reacts. I see a doctor walk out. I then hear crying. I rush to the door but it opens and Alex runs at me. He goes straight through me. No. No no no no. Am I..? Fuck! I go to my old body and watch Alex approach it. He puts his hand on the body's and kisses it's lips gently. I feel myself break.
"Alex.." I try and put my hand on his shoulder. Oh yeah.. Alex asks how I died and the doctor says I had a blood clot. I knew I should've went to the doctor a month ago. I would have- I could've still been with him. With all my friends. All of my friends stand at the door. Most of them are crying. Why would they cry. I caused them pain in so many ways. I love them all.
"I love you, John." Alex whispers.
"I love you too, Alex." I say back. He doesn't hear me. Obviously. He faces Peggy, Angie, Eliza, Laf and herc.
"Can we go now, please." He pleads.
"Alex-"
"Please!?" I can't bear to hear the pain in his voice.
"Alex.." I mutter. He walk towards the crowd. They walked to Angie's massive car. Luckily, there was one seat left so I didn't have to sit inside anyone. Alex pulls out his phone.
"Hey, can I make a quick call while we drive?" He ask. They all nod and get inside. He clicks 'velvets jewellery' who's that?
"Hello. This is Velvets jewellery. How can I help you?" A sad woman answers.
"Hello. It's Alex."
"Oh my god. Is he- is he okay?" What? Is he- talking about me?
"He's dead." The woman starts crying.
"I need to cancel the ring." ... No- no way.. he- he was going to propose? No- fuck!?
"Oh my god, Alex-" Angelica started tearing up. Theres no way he was going to propose and I died. There's no- I start crying. Tears actually flow from my eyes. I touch my face gently and wipe them away. It's like I'm here in spirit. Like I'm here but they can't see or hear me. I hate it. Maybe it's better for them though.
"Alex. He's here in our hearts. He's probably sitting right next to you right now." He looks over at the empty- sorry the seat I'm in and smiles slightly.
"I hope so. If he is, then now he knows I was going to propose." Oh.. Alex.. they finally make it to campus and Alex is obviously scarred. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He get taken to our room and collapses on the floor at the door. I start crying again. I fall too. His sobs depress me. I put my arms around him but obviously, it just goes through him. But he looks up like he just had a wave of warmth.
"I felt him." He mutters. Can he-
"That's amazing Alex." Angelica says. Rubbing his back. He still is crying as he unlocks the door. Him and me enter. He closes the door behind him. He doesn't move.
"Alex.." he walks over to my bed and lays in it. He grabs my turtle plushie and hugs it tightly.
"John." He mutters into the plush. Tears stain the turtle. He clutches his shirt where his heart is.
"It hurts.. haha.." he laughs slightly. Don't laugh about that. Alex. He stops as he eyes something near the desk. He gets up and inches closer to the tool drawer. What's he doing..? He slowly opens the drawer. He starts rummaging.
"Alexander." I say. No response. Why am I expecting one?
"Alexander!" He grabs a pocket knife. No.
"ALEXANDER!?" I scream. He doesn't stop. He walks over to his own bed. I try and grab the knife off of him but obviously it doesn't budge from his hand. He sits down and holds the blade face down to his lower arm. He hesitates. I could try something. I push my body forward so I fully go through him. He pulls the blade away, wide eyes.
"Why do I keep feeling him.." he looks back down at the blade. He brings it close to his arm again. Fuck.
"PLEASE, ALEX!?" He puts it closer. And closer. He presses the blade to his soft skin. The skin soon separates and crimson blood seeps out. He does it again. And again. And again, hissing after every cut.
"PLEASE?!" I continue to shout. He runs out of space on his inner arm so he flips his arm round so his palm is facing down. He cuts. And cuts. He smiles. Why? Why are you doing this? Did I do this? He laughs slightly, putting the bloody knife on the bed. He gets up and makes his way to the bathroom. I follow. He opens the mirror-cabinet and pulls out bandages. He wraps his arm and bites off the end. He secures it with medical tape and leaves the bathroom, soon putting on a long sleeve jacket. It's leather. He collects his books and leaves for class.
"Fuck." I don't follow him. I look back at the bloody knife and cry. I just hurt the person I love. Or should I say loved. Obviously I'm still in love with him. But this is only my soul. I'm not physically alive right now. The door is slightly open from when he left. I hear footsteps.
"Alex..? I just wanted to see- oh." Peggy opens the door and peers inside. She looks around.
"I guess he's in cla-" she stops. Her eyes get caught on the blood stained knife. She stumbles inside. Locking eyes with the weapon.
"This wasn't here when-" she realises.
"ALEX NO-" She runs to the bathroom and swings the door open.
"ALEX!?" She stares at the blood on the floor and in the sink. She's figured it out. She then runs out into the hall. I actually follow her this time. She starts aggressively banging on her sisters dorm room.
"ANGIE!? ELIZA!? PLEASE!" They open the door, wiping there puffy eyes.
"What's wrong, Pegs!?" Eliza shouts.
"What class did Alex have? Like right now!?" She keeps looking down the hall and inside the dorm.
"Law. Why?" Eliza still sound extremely worried. Peggy starts sprinting. I run beside her and she runs outside. Tears flowing down her face. She trips. Her head hits the floor and she passes out. Shit. She takes about 3 minutes to wake up.
"Fuuuck..." She holds her head and stares in my direction.
"..." She stares like right into my eyes. I look behind me and there's nothing. Whaaat?
"No way." She's now crying.
"Peggy..?" I say, confused. She scrambles back. Holding her mouth.
"Is that- actually you..?" She stutters. I nod and she gets up. She runs and swings her arms at me but fails.
"You can see me..?" Peggy nods as well and she steps back.
"Also, you can't touch me. And you probably look crazy right now." She giggles slightly. Her face drops.
"I need to go- I think alex-"
"I know. I- I watched. I couldn't do anything." Tears flow down my face. She starts running. I follow her and she gets to the law building. The only reason classes are still on is because no one actually knows I died. She stops in the middle of about 5 law classrooms.
"Do you know what one he's in- woah.. your fading.." I look at myself. No I'm not?
"I'm not..? Oh! Maybe it's because your concussion is disappearing?" She gasps and looks at me.
"That would make sense. Anyway. Which one?"
"275." I say. "But Peggy. Don't tell him I was here or that you saw me. I don't want him trying things to see me. And he'll feel guilty." She nods reluctantly and storms into the classroom.
"ALEXANDER." She shouts. He looks at her emotionless but then widens his eyes.
"P- Peggy..?" She goes up to him and pulls him out of his chair.
"Uhm.. Miss, you can't-"
"Yes I can." She drags him outside. She closes the door and looks around.
"I guess I can't see him no more." Alex looks at her with a confused look. I guess she's recovered now.
"Don't mind that. Just please show me your arm." He takes a step back.
"Why..?" He stutters. He knows.
"I saw the pocketknife." He looks away.
"I'm sorry.." he whispers.
"Please, show me, Alex." He pulls up his sleeve and reveals the bloody bandages.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
