sleepless nights (b.e.)

12. not yours

billie's pov

"i just remember driving off and being so mad at myself." i hold my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my thighs.

"why didn't you just tell her right there?" finneas leans forward in his chair, listening.

"i didn't wanna look stupid. i wasn't really worried about it at first," i look up at the ceiling. "i guess i figured there was a chance she felt the same way, but then she mentioned her ex, whatever the fuck his name is, and i just... shut down. i don't know."

"sounds like you feel fragile." he sits back.

"fragile? no, i can take shit. i have taken some
shit." i scoff, shaking my head.

"well i mean around her, specifically. she makes you feel fragile." he shrugs.

"fuck, dude, i don't know." i sigh, standing up out of my chair. he gets up as well, pulling me into a hug.

"i'm sorry this has been so difficult for you lately." he pats my back and pulls away.

"no, i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner. i just figured you might judge me for pursuing her so recklessly, or just the fact that you didn't know i liked girls in general—"

"didn't know?" he raises his eyebrows. "billie, come on."

"come on?" i laugh sarcastically.

"there can't be anyone on this earth who doesn't know you're into women." he laughs, sitting down next to his guitar.

"what, blue hair and chains makes me gay?" i make a face, slowly pacing around the room.

"that, and just about everything else." he pulls out his phone, pulling up the lyrics to i love you that we've finished so far.

"whatever." i shake my head, my smile changing as i remember something. "dude, i literally had a dream about her last night."

"yeah?" he scrolls through his phone.

"yeah, we were back in new york, and we were running around central park in the middle of the night, and i got to tell her how i feel." i look down at my shoes. "and she felt the same way. like, i just about gave up on her last night, and then i go to sleep and fuckin dream about her. i don't think she could do anything to change it."

"to change how you feel about her?"

"yeah, basically."

"i don't mean to interrupt what you're saying, but i was just thinking the song sounded repetitive and that we need another verse for the ending..." he picks up his guitar. "i think you just wrote it."

"what, what i just said?"

he starts to tune the strings, nodding his head toward my book on the piano. "grab a pen and start writing a verse about it. on the spot, that's when your best work always seems to start."

hesitantly, i reach for the book and open it to a blank page.

"like instead of the maybe won't you take it back line getting repeated at the end, let's put a new verse there."

i nod, clicking open the pen.

it's like i'm experiencing the dream all over again in my mind. it felt so real, like we'd been there before.

we were so tired from running around or whatever we were doing, and i think we were drunk or something. we were such a mess, we just collapsed onto the grass beside each other. i remember it being really cold.

the words just come to mind as i play the melody back in my head.

"we fall apart as it gets dark,
i'm in your arms in central park"