give me back my girlhood

The road bridge

TW: Su!c!dal thoughts and attempts

On the 13th of January 2023, I walked to the disused road bridge where I live, with the plan to end my life.

I was grieving two of my grandparents and a friend, I was struggling with college, my mental health and trying to tell my parents about my SA. I decided it would be easier to write a letter and end it all.

I didn't see another way around it.

I'd often had thoughts about ending my life before, but that was as far as it had gotten.

The only people I truly believed would miss me, were my pets.

I didn't feel loved by my parents or my brothers, I'd always felt like the last choice in my friendship group and I didn't have a partner that would miss me.

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I walked the 2 mile trip to the road bridge, and sat there trying to decide if I was actually going to do this or not.

I was distraught. I couldn't stop crying, but I knew that I was struggling and couldn't see a way to get around all of the bad things that had happened to me in the last few months of 2022 and the first two weeks of 2023.

I finally stood up, looking down at the busy traffic below me.

But something stopped me.

"It's absolutely selfish when they do that, blocking the roads home for the rest of us"

The quote that has stuck with me for years. My dad had gotten stuck on his way home from work because someone did the exact thing I was about to do.

Would he still think it was selfish if I'd actually gone through with it?

Is that how other people would react to my death?

Would anyone have actually cared?

I don't know how I survived the walk home afterwards, especially having to act like nothing had happened when I got home.

11 months on and 4 months since I started therapy, and I still have thoughts of ending it.

I attempted once more on the 30th of August, but again that same quote my dad said years ago made me stop myself.